Tearing Shark Night 3D to shreds

Sorry, but if you’re not a SyFy original, you need to be less absurd than this. OR, you have to be an absurd party movie like Piranha 3D. Instead, Shark Night 3D takes itself embarrassingly serious. So I’m just going to trash it with no cares about spoilers…and point out the few positives, because I’m that fair and objective.

• The intro feels like an homage to Jaws, with a girl getting killed by an unseen threat in the lake (yes, lake). This movie doesn’t deserve to even look at Jaws, let alone give it a nod.

• Cut to a college campus, and things are looking up…at least on me, because a guy with a hot bod is posing for an art class and wiggling his bare butt.

• The gang of friends heads to a lake house on a secluded island, and during a pit stop, not only does one of them call out the convenience store clerk for being creepy (awesome) right before they encounter some racist rednecks, but we get to see American Idol alum Katharine McPhee sit on the bowl. First we think, “Oh Katharine…what a waste of your voice,” after which we think, “Well, clearly she’s going to die.”

• The familiar cast also includes: Sara Paxton (The Innkeepers, The Last House on the Left); hottie Chris Carmack (Nashville); Sinqua Walls (Teen Wolf), Dustin Milligan (Final Destination 3, Demonic), Chris Zylka (Piranha 3DD), Joel David Moore (Hatchet, Chillerama) and Josh from Blair Witch.
• When they arrive at the lake house, techno music thumps during a montage of a few of the girls trying on bikinis. Yeah, Katharine McPhee is dead for sure.

• More montage (way too much) of the gang partying on the water. Bright side—lots of shirtless boys.

• Then…the black guy gets it first. Well, he gets his arm bit off while water skiing.
• After the return to shore, one dude goes back in the water to find the black guy’s arm. SERIOUSLY. In this HUGE lake. And…he FINDS it. AND he gets away from the shark that comes after him. Which begs the question…why didn’t the shark EAT the arm in the first place? Are sharks going around chomping off people’s limbs just for fun now?
• A bunch of them get on their only boat to go for help…and crash it.

• The rednecks show up and agree to take a couple of them back to the mainland for help. Unfortunately, it turns out they are the ones who put the fucking sharks in the water! What will these rednecks think of next? They shoot one dude into the water, but he is able to climb a tree…before the shark snatches him out of it. Then, in the most unfairly cruel kill in the movie (director must hate American Idol), they push Katharine McPhee into a net in the water so she can be torn apart by a shit load of baby sharks.

• Despite having no arm, the black dude is back on his feet…and running into the water with a harpoon to get revenge on the shark…at night…and he fights the shark with one arm…and it runs away. I…just…can’t…but I will.

• Turns out the local sheriff was in on it too. He explains his master plan—to make big money off shark week with shark snuff films! I…am…not…fucking…kidding.
• The assholes throw the final girl’s dog in the water. But don’t worry, because later, it comes swimming by just in time to help with the final confrontation. No, really. It apparently swam around the water, just killing time, without being eaten by a shark.
• The final girl is tossed in a cage with a gap between bars so huge I could probably squeeze through it, provided I sucked in my gut and my ass.

• Okay, I’ll finish on a positive note—Ratt’s “Round & Round” is featured in the movie, and not during a montage. Because, when in doubt, just…80s.