I rooted for the animal

Animal is like Feast without much humor and with characters that are as annoying as fuck. Yet it’s still a pretty cool creature feature—provided the creature is onscreen. When it’s just the cast of characters trapped in a house in the woods, you spend every second hoping they all get eaten.

The creature is awesome looking…once they finally stop showing it only in spastic-cam, which doesn’t happen until nearly the end of the movie. Plus, there’s plenty of enjoyable paint-by-numbers blood, suspense, and jump scares. Sure, it’s a typical creature feature film formula, but that’s half the reason you’re watching.

You also have Eve appearing in a wickedly short cameo at the beginning of the movie. Quick! Before she gets dragged off! That’s her below.

You have Chasing Amy playing a serious adult married to a man (I’m getting old).

And you have the hot dumb kid from Suburgatory getting shirtless. But not as shirtless as in this image.

Then you have the dramatics. The black chick and white dude are brother and sister and he doesn’t approve of her boyfriend (maybe he has a thing against white guys?).

There’s a sexy asshole in the group who will throw anyone to the creature to save himself—and it’s no surprise that he gets the Samuel Jackson Deep Blue Sea treatment. That’s him with the great bubble butt. How could a creature resist that kind of meal?

Finally, you have a gay guy who is at first funny then turns into a limp-wristed nervous Nellie in the middle of the movie, to the point that he squeals “Choke on this, bitch.” And no, it’s not a sex scene. It’s when he shoots bug spray at the creature with two monster-slaying snaps.

He does at last get cool again when he drops a total gay scandal bomb. He’s also obsessed with his iPod and music, but I lose some respect for him when he can’t remember the song by David Bowie and Queen and doesn’t once give the obvious clue that it’s the song that Vanilla Ice stole.

The major excitement comes in the last few minutes, when a majority of the cast is ripped apart in quick succession. The final girl uses some tactics that make it clear she watches Naked and Afraid. She then makes it clear that she remembers how Gina Philips put a car to good use in Jeepers Creepers.

It’s no surprise that the movie ends with the promise of a sequel. And don’t expect an explanation for what the creature is or where it came from.