The House of Adam – I plan to someday be a much scarier gay ghost than him….

I get that The House of Adam is a low budget gay indie, so I didn’t expect any master film-making or amazing special effects, and I’m even okay with the awkward acting. The problem is the inept effort to cram first a love story then a ghost story into an hour and twenty minutes, leaving both of them falling completely flat, especially since a majority of the film is comprised of filler music montages. Honestly, there are more music interludes in this movie than there are musical numbers in Les Mis.

Here’s a complete spoiler of this mess.

Small town. Adam works at a diner for some old man. The old man’s son Anthony comes to visit with his girlfriend, Anthony hangs out with Adam instead. Adam admits he’s gay, Adam says he likes Anthony, Anthony says he’s not gay, Anthony kisses Adam.

The old man thinks Adam is stealing from him, Anthony sticks up for Adam, the old man gets sick, Anthony leaves, the old man lets Adam live with him to take care of him, the old man dies. Anthony returns, and we learn he got married, got divorced, and became a detective.

After a sex montage, Adam complains that he is constantly trapped in the house alone because he’s Anthony’s closeted, dirty little secret. Wait. What? Hey filmmaker, music montages signify that time passed, but they don’t clue us in to the fact that shit actually happened in that time unless you show us!

So Anthony leaves Adam alone—yet again, I guess?

Beat me with a bible and call me Mary!

Three religious fanatics come in and beat Adam to death with a bible. A straight couple rents the house. WAIT, WHAT? The phone rings, but the chick discovers it’s not connected to the wall. She takes a drive and runs over a man who darts in front of the road. It’s Anthony. She drags his body to the car and takes him home to go all Misery on his ass.

She and the husband decide to nurse him back to health in hopes that he won’t press charges for the car accident. He wakes up and says all he wants in return is to work for them for free. They agree.

I…just…can’t. But I will.

While the husband is at work, the wife finds the front door open three times and freaks out. Anthony comes in to calm her. She admits she used to see ghost children in her yard as a child. So that night…Adam’s ghost pops up under the husband’s blanket and asks for his help instead, after what looks like a bloody BJ. Forget the ghost. I’d be more worried that I was cumming blood.

Honestly, after an hour of nothing happening, this moment is quite effective and creepy in a sort of The Grudge 2 way. If only the director had attempted to make the other hour, nineteen minutes and forty seconds a horror film as well. Instead….

Out of nowhere, one of the gay bashers is running around the property. Anthony grabs him and ties him up, ready to torture him unless he admits where Adam’s body is buried. We finally learn there was never enough evidence or a body to make a case out of Adam’s death. The horrified straight couple walks in to find Anthony ready to torture a bloodied and bound man, so they say something to the effect of, “Poor stranger we dragged home after running you over because you were mysteriously darting across a deserted road in the woods. We’ll help you get the truth out of this fucker you just abducted.”

Next thing you know, the police are carting the gay basher away. Apparently, he blabbed.

Next next thing you know, the couple is saying goodbye to Anthony at Adam’s grave…in what looks like the yard next to the family pet? The End.

And…the reputation of the already loathed gay horror genre of films takes another hit.