Abraham Lincoln, Ving Rhames, and Danny Trejo vs. zombies

They all feature zombies, CGI, and bad asses. Plus, they were all really cheap on a 1-disc DVD. So I take on Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, Zombie Apocalypse, and Rise of the Zombies.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN vs. ZOMBIES (2012)

Because I hate period pieces and I hate history, I totally believe this shit is historically accurate. Abraham Lincoln fricking killed his zombified parents when he was a kid! So when the dead start to reanimate at a fort after Gettysburg (I guess that was some sort of battle during the Civil War), the seasoned zombie slaying president gathers some of his men together, including a black dude. Because Abe was that cool and progressive.

Once there, Lincoln hacks off zombie heads left and right, does flying leaps through the air during zombie battle, meets his wife Mary (who also became a zombie! who knew?), and bickers with a general who believes the zombies have a right to live. I think the dude is just trying to distract Abe from freeing the slaves.

In this cinematic piece of community theater enhanced by dozens of CGI beheadings, Lincoln actually meets and mentors a young Roosevelt—and teaches him about the big stick (I’m sure he does).

I love a man with a fake mustache the makeup crew got from Party City

At first, I thought this disaster was meant to be taken seriously, but by the time Lincoln lets out a war cry of “Emancipate this”…I was still kind of thinking it was meant to be taken seriously.

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE (2011)

Not to be confused with another movie called Zombie Apocalypse, this one stars Ving Rhames and is a sci-fi original. It also features the black dude from My Name is Earl­.

Forget brains…zombie want awesome arrow-resistant afro

There’s pretty much no compelling narrative in this one other than a group of survivors traveling constantly so that they’ll get into one zombie situation after another. Just watch it for the cool looking zombies and the excessive zombie splattering CGI of Playstation 2 graphics quality.

As the movie comes to a close and the group gets attacked by CGI tiger zombies that can’t even stay the same scale size during a single shot, it’s pretty clear that the entire reason for making this movie was to have an excuse to get Ving Rhames to say, “Meow, bitch!”

RISE OF THE ZOMBIES (2012)

The director of Zombie Apocalypse offers this apology film by making the zombie action scenes ten times better. There’s still CGI, but this flick is just more intense—until they start focusing on the plot and characters. Which happens almost immediately. We’re tossed into the fray at Alcatraz, where Mariel Hemingway, Danny Trejo, and their group of survivors is holed up—until they’re flushed out of there by zombies that fricking come out of the ocean!

After that, the group totally splits up, so we have the stories of two separate groups of survivors we don’t give a shit about. All that matters is the zombie awesomeness. Zombies attack an escape raft in the water. Creepy. Zombies climb the Golden Gate Bridge. Freaky. Danny gets attacked by a contortionist zombie. Eerie. Danny becomes a zombie. You can’t really tell the difference.

Once Danny is gone, the movie becomes ridiculously melodramatic, trying to convince us that we should care about these characters.

The only beacon of hope is the delicious destruction of future generations. The group accidentally blows the only kid in their group to smithereens. Immediately after, they find a pregnant chick so we think life will go on after all. Within seconds of being rescued, she gets bit and begs them to shoot her and save her baby. So Mariel Hemingway cuts open her belly and rips out her baby. False hope. Baby is a zombie so a young chick in the group drops it on the ground and stomps on it…then announces she’s pregnant.

The future’s so bright I gotta wear shades… because the pregnant baby stomper hops on a runaway bus that bursts into a brilliant ball of flames.

They’re so clearly doomed. So why does the chubby dude from My Name is Earl feel the need to argue with Mariel Hemingway about the existence of God? Because French Stewart from 3 Rock from the Sun has the antidote, and the path to get to him is paved with zombies.

You know God is dead when Mariel sobs for a suicidal baby stomper

If you’re looking for a scare-free zombie fix and only see one of these three zombie flicks, Rise of the Zombies is the way to go. It’s only a matter of time before Earl himself shows up in one of this director’s zombie films.