A decade in Paris—the horror of her movies, the hotness of her music

This blog is in no way meant to endorse Paris Hilton. Dan Kelly just genuinely loves universally loathed horror movies and pop music.

NINE LIVES (2002)

3 years before The Simple Life, there was Nine Lives. Yep, Paris actually scored a film role before she got all the notoriety from her reality series. Perhaps her role would have been bigger if this film had been made after the notoriety, because she doesn’t last long in this one, getting killed first (so of course she’s front and center on the DVD cover). Her early demise could be considered a blessing because her acting job isn’t so…um…hot, but in that case, pretty much the entire cast should have been killed off right away….

Paris plays a privileged rich girl (and yet she’s still not totally convincing!) and is the only American amongst a bunch of very well educated Scottish kids who gather at one former classmate’s mansion for his 21^st birthday. It’s isolated, there’s a blizzard. They are stuck there. It’s a recipe for a perfect slasher. Instead, we get a whole lot of ridiculously pretentious conversation as the gang proves just how educated they are. Finally, 28 minutes in, Paris’s boyfriend finds this book that tells of the vile history of the mansion. Before long, he’s possessed and she’s dead. Those who are hot for Paris will be happy to know you get to see some major cleavage and her in her panties right before she dies.

This movie is like The House on Haunted Hill meets Jason Goes to Hell. Why Jason Goes to Hell, you ask? Because in Part 9, Jason’s spirit jumps from one victim to another, with the most recent victim becoming the killer (and we thought the premise of Part 5 was stupid!). In Nine Lives, if you kill the current murderer, all you manage to do is get yourself possessed. Well that sux. These overeducated brats figure that out pretty damn fast and spend the rest of the movie with serious trust issues. By the end of the film, as the sole survivor narrates some sort of an explanation, it all becomes very clear…that this movie’s plot makes no sense!

HOUSE OF WAX (2005)

Based on what we’ve heard of Paris’s immunity to jungle fever, it’s ironic that in this film she’s in an interracial relationship. Actually, maybe that was a stipulation in her contract because, you know, the black guy always gets it first. Yep. Paris lasts longer in this movie than in her first horror film.

House of Wax gets so much hate, but it’s one of my favorite backwoods slasher films of the Y2K decade. Kids go on road trip to bumfuck, kids split up, kids get the good ‘ol Texas chainsaw welcome.

Aside from Paris, this young cast includes cutie Chad Michael Murray from One Tree Hill, Jared Padalecki from Supernatural looking unappealingly boyish (he sure has matured into a fine looking man since then), Elisha Cuthbert, who is in my favorite new sitcom Happy Endings (which means it will probably be canceled next week), and Brian Van Holt, Courtney Cox’s adorable ex-husband on another of my favorite sitcoms, Cougar Town (which will probably be canceled, too).

This film is intensely suspenseful and disturbing. The town these kids stumble upon is populated by wax people—who used to be real! Poor Jared gets to demonstrate just how brutal and horrific the transformation is when the crazy backwoods freak does the job. Jared gets waxed (hair off) and then waxed (wax on). All while still alive. Gruesome. And that’s just the tip of the torture.

But back to Paris. In this one, she does a striptease for her black man in a tent, revealing red undergarments that are pretty much getting lost up in her ass cleavage. But he’s more interested in turning up his hip hop tune than having sex (maybe that’s why she doesn’t think black guys are hot?), so she throws a little sweater over her undies. This is her running outfit…because this be-otch is about to get chased! Yep, I’m going to say it. Paris should go down in history as having a horror movie chase scene on par with Wendy from Prom Night and Sarah Michelle Gellar in I Know What You Did Last Summer.

In terms of tension and suspense, this is the best part of House of Wax, and Paris pulls it off perfectly. Not to mention, her death scene totally rox. As does her music…

You thought Miley Cyrus and Hilary Duff were the queens of pop…?

That honor actually goes to me. Which is why I adore Paris Hilton’s album. Who cares if Paris has no talent and can’t sing? High art is for posers. Paris’s debut album rules, thanks to the producers, writers and studio tricks. Here, I take the good, I take the bad, I take them both, and there I have something like the facts of life goes to Paris…

1. Turn it Up: In its album form, it’s a slow and sexy groove. But the real star is the DJ Dan remix on the single, which makes you forget you’re a man on the dance floor, whipping hair that you don’t have. This remix just brings out the girl slut in me. No surprise the guy who remixed it is named Dan.

2. Fightin’ Over Me: Typical male rapper/female singer collaboration indicative of the Y2K mainstream airwaves.

3. Stars are Blind: This is the lame reggae influenced track that got all the airplay in the summer of 2006. Mainstream radio listeners have NO taste. All the potential hits were ignored!

4. I Want You: Major sampling of “Grease” by Frankie Valli. Doesn’t get any better than that (well, maybe if DJ Dan had done a remix…).

5. Jealousy: Catchy light rock track I’d never be interested in hearing more than once in my life.

6. Heartbeat: WHY would they have her do a cheesy mellow track? Blech.

7. Nothing in this World: The second single, which was ignored by radio but is the major slice of dance pop heaven on this album! As if it isn’t superb as is, take a listen to the Dave Aude mix, which elevates the song to a synthdance classic. Whether intentional or not, the intro is a mashup of the bass line from Anything Box’s “Living in Oblivion” and the synth line from The Cure’s “Just Like Heaven.”

8. Screwed: Wish this one had also gotten a remix, because this is right up there with “Nothing in this World.” Plus, you get Paris singing “I’m screwed” over and over again.

9. Not Leaving Without You: I also wish this funtastic synthdance track would have been remixed.

10. Turn You On:  Another slow and sexy groove.

11. Da Ya Think I’m Sexy: Yep, the Rod Stewart disco classic, pretty much a karaoke version with Paris delivering some whiny vocals in an attempt to makes us think she’s sexy. LOVE it.

BLOOD TIES: Paris combines her talents in a horror movie musical

2008’s Repo! The Genetic Opera is like Moulin Rouge, where the “rouge” is all blood, and the flamboyance is colored in a rainbow of blacks. This is a dark, gory horror rock opera. It’s also a very similar plot to the 2010 movie Repo Men, with a giant corporation selling organs to the terminally ill who can’t afford them—and then repossessing them!

The film stars the likes of Sarah Brightman, Paul Sorvino, Bill Moseley, and Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Paris plays a skanky, bitchy, drugged up plastic surgery addict. Finally, I can take her seriously. Paris’s first vocal line is opposite Bill Moseley in his comically campy and over-the-top sex and blood number. Her second two sung lines are in another campy song, um, opposite Bill Moseley. Later, she appears as a black leather clad dominatrix trailed by two hot muscle leather boy bitches, and she does dance moves I haven’t seen since, well, her car washing burger commercial. Her final duet is with Paul Sorvino, when she reveals the hideous deformation of her face that has resulted from her singing…I mean, too much plastic surgery.

Rumor has it Paris is working on another album. FINALLY! It’s been five years!!! A gay guy can only take so much Lady GaGa and Britney Spears before he needs another dose of Paris…