PRIME TIME BITCH: Battle of the classic monsters and fairy tale creatures!

Sometimes my Prime binge is like watching a SyFy marathon…and I do it on purpose because I know I can safely get my hubba hubba to watch the selections with me for the action while I still get to enjoy at least some semblance of horror monsters.

This particular trio is actually comprised of a standalone film plus one movie and its sequel.

WOLVESBAYNE (2009)

Directed by horror cutie Griff Furst, who usually acts (Dead Men Walking, Jolly Roger, Witches: The Darkest Evil, Monsterwolf, Haunted High, Demonic), this is your usual vamps vs. werewolves action horror flick done SyFy quality.

The biggest problem with tackling this kind of plot on a small budget is that werewolf makeup isn’t cheap!

So the budget is blown on one pretty cool transformation scene of Jeremy London and then…that’s it.

The werewolves are never actually werewolves.

What you get is a battle between two sets of night creatures with fangs and you simply can’t tell them apart!

And since many of them are females, it begins to look like a cat fight as babes with fangs hiss at each other regularly.

On the bright side, this doesn’t take itself seriously like the usual vamp vs. werewolf flick, so it has some funny moments, both intentional and not.

AVENGERS GRIMM (2015)

It’s beyond my comprehension that this and its sequel (up next) aren’t on heavy rotation on SyFy. Ever since it shut down the Chiller Network, which it shared much of its horror movie programming with, SyFy has gone to shit. Okay, shittier.

This is just goofy fun for fans of cheesy sci-if/horror/action/fantasy films.

In Avengers Grimm, Rumpelstiltskin, played by Casper Van Dien, wants to take over the world, so he transports through Snow White’s mirror to a place with no magic. He ends up as mayor in the modern world, where Snow White and a bevy of Grimm related babes hunt him down. All these bimbos are awesome bitches, but my fave is Rapunzel, who makes unique use of her hair, including using it as a weapon against baddies.

Their excursion through the city includes encounters with a bearish wolf man (again, no wolf makeup…but plenty of hair)…

…Lou Ferrigno as some sort of iron man (trading up from green body paint to silver)…

…and finally, an army of zombie warriors Rumpelstiltskin has created.

However, this SyFy level silliness is no match for its sequel…

SINISTER SQUAD (2016)

Rumpelstiltskin is back, but played by a different actor—he’s oddly adorable, even if he is no Casper Van Dien, and he’s also portrayed as a much funnier, manic character than the first time around.

In fact, this entire film is much more fun and more campy.

Alice in Wonderland and Co. form a battalion of monsters to fight Death’s army.

There’s a hunky wolf man (some monster fangs this time)…

…the Queen of Hearts…

…Bluebeard (played devilishly by horror hottie Trae Ireland)…

Tweedledee and Tweedledum, and a vicious looking witch who, along with Rumpelstiltskin, absolutely steals the show.

Unfortunately, things don’t go as planned; there’s no cooperation, and the monsters start turning on each other. It’s a chaotic monster brawl to the death!

Yeah, these films really need to be on SyFy.

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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