I’m hot for Jennifer’s Body, dig the One-Eyed Monster, and enjoy the predictability of Final Destination when it’s in 3-D

Ah, the horror movie extremes that I go to. My recent purchases are the three films mentioned above, and I enjoyed them all on different levels.

jennifers-body

Jennifer’s Body is the one that I was Blu-Ray blocked from getting last week (see below). It was worth the wait—and good to see that Blu-Ray discs are actually dropping from ridiculous 34.99 price tags. I…um…scored with Jennifer’s Body for like 23 bux. I am SO glad that I didn’t read ANY reviews or message board threads about this film. I went into it not knowing what to expect and came out of it completely satisfied and ready to watch it over and over again when it comes on cable. For starters, it automatically gets bonus points for starring Amanda Seyfried from one of my favorite God-awful musical movies, Mamma Mia. Second, it also stars Megan Fox. Gay or not, even I know her last name fits her like a moist dental dam. She is one hot piece, and I can almost forgive the horny teenage boys who bought up all the Blu-Ray copies on day one of its release (again, see below post for more on that). Megan’s also not the horrible actress she’s made out to be on several entertainment blog sites. Sadly though, her presence wasn’t balanced with any hot man meat in the cast, just some horrific lesbian action with Amanda Seyfried (we’re talking MAJOR close-up girl-on-girl tongue. EEK!). All that aside, the film had some genuinely creepy visual moments, some nasty gore, and even a fair share of laugh-out-loud one-liners. It reminded me of many other films I love that most seem to hate—Hatchet, Cursed, Monster Man, Big Bad Wolf, Jawbreaker….

one-eyed-monster

Speaking of jawbreaker, that leads me to my second film, which is all about Ron Jeremy’s One-Eyed Monster. Yes. It has happened at last. A slasher film has been made that features a dick who isn’t trying to solve the murders, but is instead the one committing them. And whose private better sized to be the first one cast than Ron Jeremy’s?

one eyed monster ron

Simple plot—cast and crew of porn film goes up to cabin on snowy mountain to film porn. Ron Jeremy gets hit by some sort of meteor while pissing in the woods, dies, and rises from the dead to kill people. But only one part of him rises, if you know what I mean. That’s right! His weenie goes around killing people, mostly by wrapping around their necks and choking them to death!

OneEyedMonster monsetr

Highlights of the film (you know, aside from the whole weenie choking thing) include the ‘one-eyed’ killer perspective, Willow’s lesbian lover Tara as part of the cast, and longtime porn star Veronica Hart poking fun at her career and taking on the killer with her kegel muscles!

the-final-destination

And finally, there’s the fourth installment of the Final Destination series. There I am sitting dead center on my couch with my 3-D glasses on to get the full effect as my partner laughs at me. Part 4 is absolutely a copycat of most of the other installments, with a big opening catastrophe that some people escape, only to find themselves being chased by absurd strings of snowballing events the likes of the classic Mousetrap board game. The 3-D gives it an added charm and enhances the cliché excitement of each ridiculous death. I’m just SO disappointed that they hadn’t thought to pull the 3-D stunt with part 3, so it would make more sense, like classic third installments such as Amityville 3-D, Jaws 3-D and Friday the 13th 3-D.

Instead, the only thing that differentiates the fourth sequel’s title from the first film’s title is the addition of the word ‘the’. It’s called The Final Destination. No Part 4, no nothing. So is this installment THE final Final Destination, as the title implies? Somehow I doubt it. I’m sure there will be a Final Destination: A New Beginning, in which some ambulance driver dresses up like the Final Destination to continue the carnage…

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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