Water monster triple feature

Yes. I actually sat and watched a marathon of movies on the Chiller Network involving killer creatures in the water: Red Water, Black Water, and Razortooth (not sure what color water). So how do they rank?

RED WATER (2003)

It should have been called “Attack of the Desperate Actors.” This one has SyFy Channel written all over it. Lou Diamond Phillips and his ex Kristy Swanson are—I don’t even know what they are. Point is, they end up on a boat. Coolio and a bunch of other guys are criminals hunting for sunken treasure. Their paths cross and they’re stuck on a boat by a killer fresh water shark.

After a couple of opening attacks, a whole lot of melodrama happens for most of the movie. There’s only one reason to watch it—Lou Diamond Phillips holding his nose when he dives into the water. Okay. This scene is stupid fun as well.

RAZORTOOTH (2009)

In Razortooth, a giant CGI eel with a gnarly mouth full of teeth is very inventive. He pulls a redneck into the outhouse shitter. He pulls a chick down the drain of a bathtub. And he has to deal with one mess of a script.

There are two escaped convicts running through the water. There’s a canoe club. There’s a cute animal control dude and his ex-wife sheriff looking for a missing pet. And there’s a bunch of college students on a field trip with a hunky doctor.

If you’ve seen the Lake Placid sequels or Anaconda sequels, you’ve seen Razortooth. Actually, it really should have been called Eelaconda.

BLACK WATER (2007)

When Black Water began, I was expecting the same kind of crap I’d gotten from the other two movies. A hot guy, his pregnant women, and her sister get stuck in the trees in a swamp because there’s a crazy crocodile in the water.

Hottie in the trees.

I know it sounds bad! And okay. All the clichés are there:

• Yes, the crocodile jumps up to try to snatch them out of the tree.
• Yes, they plot to try to snag their drifting boat from the water.
• Yes, they venture into the water when they think the crocodile isn’t around.
• Yes, they see a rescue boat in the distance but can’t get its attention.
• Yes, someone in their ranks dies.

They even try praying the crocodile away. Wait! Don’t roll your eyes! The truth is, Black Water is suspenseful as hell and totally succeeds for two reasons:

• The acting is fantastic and the reactions of the characters are incredibly realistic.
• There’s virtually no CGI and a majority of the scenes of the crocodile use a real croc

Black Water FEELS REAL. And that’s terrifying. I’d definitely recommend catching this one. If water creature features freak you out, it will fuck you up.