By all accounts, The Watermen is a really stupid misogynistic backwoods slasher set in the boating universe, but it really does deliver some cheap thrills.
So we have this mega hunk and his brother going out fishing on a boat with Jay from Jay & Silent Bob…who’s bringing along three hot babes, one of which once dated the mega hunk. Oh the drama!
As they are getting ready to set sail, veteran actor Richard Riehle sells them some supposedly prime chum to fish with while a creepy dude with a fucked up eye fuels up their boat and spooks the girls. Then Riehle, the fuel freak, and the captain of the boat all exchange knowing glances—and even seem to pass the look on to Jay. Okay. We know where this is going.
After loads of shots of the group partying on the high seas, the boat breaks down and anything that could help them call for help is missing or not working. They are totally stranded…and point the finger at Jay for having an ill-equipped boat. But they’re in luck. A boat soon appears, passes them some water to drink…and they all pass out.
They all awake to find themselves tied up in various places on an island, just waiting to be hacked to pieces and sold as chum. Jay is dragged away (was he a red herring or just herring food?) and the others all escape their bindings. Now it’s a matter of fighting off a handful of fishermen in raincoats who all mumble to each other like inbreeds. Fishermen are killed. Kids are killed. Kids are recaptured. Kids escape again. More fishermen die.
It’s an absurd mess yet always remains entertaining. The female torture is out of control—there are no male victims, there’s rape, one chick’s fake boob is cut out, and another chick gets fingered and then watches as her abuser smells his finger. Yet, at the same time, the main girl is a tough bitch. She’s awesome. She fights back hardcore right from the start. See? It’s pro-female!
The gore is pretty gross for a rather generic film. Jay flashes his balls through the piss slit of his pants for a good long time (I assume they’re fake balls but can’t be sure). There’s a torch fight. There’s a “Perils of Pauline” saw blade save. There’s a boxing match in the water that is edited so each swing is echoed like 3 times. And the mega hunk takes his shirt off for the last few scenes.
And just when it seems like the survivors have been rescued, I think maybe they haven’t. I’m not sure. But I still think Jay is the mastermind behind the whole fish food company.
And here’s the hunk of the movie doing some bathing suit modeling….