So, my full-length erotic horror novel Combustion is here. It’s the first in a series that reads like Buffy the Vampire Slayer if the monster hunters were all bears and boys (The Buff Vampire Slayer?). I became aware that some readers love my sexy scary stories based on feedback from my first two collections, Closet Monsters and Horny Devils. There’s definitely a happy ending in store for those readers when they get their hands on Combustion.
However, I do see the occasional comment online about there being too much sex in my erotic horror books. It took a while for that complaint to compute, but once I was able to wrap my fist around it, I concluded that there are readers who only like dripping, spurting, pulsing, throbbing, moaning, and groaning when monsters are involved. Monsterphilia? Monsterbation material?
Therefore, I decided to write this guide to Combustion for the pervert-impaired, outlining all the pages and sections to skip if you want to read the story but find sex a turnoff. This guide actually flips two birds with one bone, because perverts who don’t give a shit about my eloquent storytelling can instead read only the pages I’m warning the perv-impaired to avoid! There are even helpful illustrations! So let’s slip right into it.
The skipping starts on page 7 – Can’t even say that I restrained myself for 6 pages before getting to the good parts. Page 7 is the first page of the text of the novel. Some call it the prologue, I call it foreplay. Read the first paragraph then flip to page 11, 2nd paragraph.
Skip pages 22 – 26. It’s the part where you get to know everything about lead character Deck Waxer. Begin reading again after the section break on page 27.
Skip pages 73 – 83. Consider it a Summer’s Eve infomercial with a male bent. Pick up on page 84; this part is softcore, so it shouldn’t be too offensive. It features some dialogue relevant to the plot.
Bypass the short section between pages 86 and 87. It’s a hairy situation.
Stop after page 109, 3rd paragraph and jump to page 114 to avoid reading about the role Deck’s face plays in an interracial gangbang.
Skip pages 122 to 124 and begin reading after the section break on page 125 to prove how much willpower you have when a tasty plate of kitchen sex is being waved under your nose. Don’t get too caught up in the story again though, or you’ll forget to jump from page 127 to page 130 to tiptoe around the foot fuck scene. Sidestep to the last paragraph at the bottom of page 130.
Skip pages 146 – 151. Deck takes on twins, which would double your displeasure. Begin again at the 2nd section on page 151; it’s all talk with only one twin.
On page 164, read the first 5 paragraphs then skip to page 171, the very last paragraph before the page turn to take a large leap over a gargantuan man who has a very unique relationship with dairy products.
Skip from page 193 to the end of the section on page 199. You’ll successfully miss a reading by two psychics who probe everything but Deck’s mind.
Stop reading page 209 before the last 3 paragraphs then head to the top of page 213. You really don’t want to be a witness to Deck and two cops breaking some sodomy laws.
Stop reading page 229 at the 7th paragraph and jump to page 232, 2nd paragraph. In this scene, you’ll miss—eh fuck it. It’s just more gratuitous sex.
Skip pages 239 – 242. It’s a sexy scary wet dream. Or is it a dream? You’ll never know if you don’t read it….
Skip the last paragraph on page 255, which continues on the next page. That’s it. Just that one totally unnecessary paragraph. I have no control when it comes to sex injections.
Skip the last 2 paragraphs of page 260 and resume on the top of page 263 to get the Hallmark version of the love scene (that’s right, I said love).
When you reach page 274, stop reading after 4 paragraphs and start again on page 275, 4th paragraph. I can’t summarize the good parts here without giving away the whole end of the book…
Finally, if you’re an extreme prude, you can skip page 302, but it’s just sex humor, not actual sex.
And there you have it. Your guide to standing up for censorship in the good old U.S. of A. Enjoy not enjoying the joy of gay sex. And let me know if this guide helped you fully appreciate my horror story; I’ll get right to work on the guide for the next novel.