The itsy bitsy spider…was fricking HUGE

So last night as the sun began to fade, I moved to the corner of my living room, next to my couch, to close the blinds and turn on a light. As I reached for the blinds, I felt a silky touch on my arm—like a spider web. But I’ve been feeling that all summer, and it usually ends up being a string hanging from the short sleeve of my shirt.

So I closed the blind, and then reached into the corner to turn on the lamp. When the light comes one, not 6-inches from my face is one of those fricking tarantula-sized spiders that makes those huge webs in the bushes outside the house. The only consolation is that it had just begun spinning its web in the corner of my living room, and I wasn’t facing some huge silky deathtrap. Naturally, I screamed like a girl and ran, and Danny was forced to get it out of the house. I couldn’t bear to watch. And, being the diplomat that he is, he somehow captured it and released it into the wild….

So, I go into the kitchen and get a glass of water, and when I return, Danny is sitting on the far side of the couch. I just look at him and shake my head and point to the monster corner by the lamp. He knowingly obeyed. There was NO way I was sitting there. I just knew that spider would find its way back into the house and crawl all over me and into my ears, where it would lay its eggs below a big spider web with the word WILBUR: GREAT PIG! in the center.

So, it’s like an hour later, and I’m on the floor with the dogs playing and Danny is lying on the couch, when suddenly I see him moving around. He leaps off the couch and dives into the monster corner with a napkin. He tried SO hard to be nonchalant, but my monster detector went off. I cried, “Is it the spider???”

Yes indeed folks. It was the fricking spider. It was crawling on his HEAD! Apparently, when he thought he’d gotten it the first time, the only thing he’d released back into the wild was air. Well, this time, he didn’t give the tarantula a second chance at life. He crushed that bugger in the napkin. My final words to Danny on the subject were, “And you thought I was ridiculous for not wanting to sit on that end of the couch….”

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at
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