Ron Jeremy…scream king?

ron jeremy playbear

Without missing a beat, Ron Jeremy wormed his way from porn films to horror. And he has racked up appearances in dozens of horror flicks in the last decade. So naturally, I hunted down as many of them as I could. So let’s get to it.

THE WICKEDS (2005)

wickeds cover

Ron is one of the major characters in this low-budget zombie/vampire flick. And I love it, indie flaws and all: cheesy edits and cuts; hokey sound effects; jumps from film to video; mind-numbing thrash metal music; and loads of zombie and vampire fun. The cast is funny, the guys are cute, and the zombie makeup and gore effects are awesome. And it just has that all around crappy charming direct-to-video feel.

Even though it takes place on Halloween, you can’t really consider The Wickeds a Halloween film. The holiday is only mentioned twice and every fricking tree in the movie is bright green.

Anyway, a group of kids arrives at an old creepy house in which a bad b-movie is being filmed (wink wink) for a Halloween party. Pretty soon, Ron and his buddy, who are grave robbers, show up, followed by a pack of zombies and a classic vampire looking for an amulet Ron and friend stole from his grave!

wickeds ron

The Wickeds does indeed have it all:

  • vampires
  • zombies
  • apparitions
  • sex between a guy and girl who both have great asses
  • references to Night of the Living Dead and Evil Dead
  • Zombie make out session
  • Gut munching
  • Zombie chase scenes

wickeds zombie

Despite its limitations as an indie, the film also has some great gore effects, is well-paced, and features a cast that nails the comic timing. The only part that grated on me was a rather shrill screaming segment when they are fighting over how to get out of their predicament.

ANDRE THE BUTCHER (2005)

 andre the butcher cover

Ron Jeremy as the killer in a backwoods slasher comedy. And it’s a whole lot of WTFery. He’s essentially Leatherface in a welding mask.

andre the butcher ron smaller

There’s an old man “Greek chorus,” a 4-person cheerleading team (3 girls and a guy) on the way to a competition, two escaped convicts (one of them a priest), and approximately three cops wearing “Sheriff” uniforms.

andre the butcher gay

It’s all slapstick comedy and cheesy over-the-top gore, lesbian sex, female nudity, adolescent masturbation and gay humor (Jesus even gets called a homo), a gay with a hard-on dancing around in his tighty whities, and finally, a fricking religious twist (which is kind of unique). Yeah. It’s low-budget bad, but you will laugh a few times…and you get to see Ron Jeremy play the masked killer having a martial arts fight with a cheerleader.

FRANKENSTEIN VS. THE CREATURE FROM BLOOD COVE (2005)

frankenstein vs creature from blood cove cover

This one has so much potential to be a fun throwback to the classic monster movies, but it’s just not campy enough. Sure, there are some modern trashy moments thrown in with some nudity, but the humor is painfully lacking and the movie runs too long without giving us anything new to keep it interesting.

frankstein blood cover frank

Shot in black and white for an authentic look, Frankenstein vs. The Creature from Blood Cove features a trio of crazy scientists that resurrect the Frankenstein monster. Early on, there’s some sort of werewolf/Bigfoot monster, but pretty soon, Franky and the fish man appear. A majority of the movie features them fighting each other as well as terrorizing a modeling shoot on the beach.

frankstein blood cove creature

The highlight is pretty much the first time the modeling shoot is disrupted by the fish man in his old school rubber suit. The photographer even mistakes the creature for a man in a rubber suit. The movie needed more of this type of self-referential humor. There’s also a flamboyant gay assistant, but his shtick becomes routine, with predictable references to things like San Francisco and Liberace. You know it’s bad when the gay guy can’t even save a film. On the positive side, he makes it to the end.

frankstein blood cove fight

To finally break up the repetitive plot, a ghost is added to the mix, but that still doesn’t help much. Grasping at straws, the movie takes us to a strip club. Lloyd Kaufman has a cameo, as does Ron Jeremy, who makes a couple of dirty comments about a stripper. That’s the extent of his appearance. Franky invades the club, we get some goofy black and white gore, then the film pretty much goes back to the status quo until the end.

WITCH’S SABBATH (2005)

 witchs sabbath cover

This piece of schlock is all about the boobs, boys, and blood. While many will probably say it’s “the worst movie I’ve ever seen” on the message boards, this is really just total lowbrow erotic horror entertainment that delivers exactly what it’s selling.

witchs sabbath demon

A bunch of bodacious witch babes lure cute boys down to their mansion dungeon to cut off their heads, their goal being 666 beheadings before Halloween night. The main witch mistress in leather has bodacious boobs, a scary metal-clawed glove, and black demon eyes, and she and her coven always get these guys shirtless before hacking them up.

witchs sabbath shirtless guy 1

The main characters are two couples that go to a strip club, where they are invited to a Halloween party at the mansion. Continuing to claim their victims, they divide and conquer the foursome, including the girls. One of the guys, who is on a first date with his girl, pretty much steals the show. All the funny parts seem to go to him, probably because he knows how to deliver a comic line. I wish there had been more of a focus on the humor.

witchs sabbath shirtless guy 2

Meanwhile, Ron Jeremy has a small scene. He shows up at the mansion preaching the word of God…and ends up in the dungeon, tied down and surrounded by witch boobs. It’s actually a funny scene because the camera intentionally shoots from an angle that makes it look as if Ron is begging a huge tit to spare his life.

And finally, just when you think this movie is going to be all blood and boobs, a big demon right out of an 80s movie bursts through a wall! Awesome.

witchs sabbath monster

CURSE OF PIRATE DEATH (2006)

 curse of pirate death cover

Curse of Pirate Death is just bad enough to have its enjoyable moments. It’s a story of a bunch of (mostly skanky) college kids that head out with their professor to look for a treasure belonging to an evil pirate of days gone by. Naturally, he’s now a pirate zombie with a mean hook.

curse of pirate death killer

There’s a splash of trash here to remind us this is a bad indie. In exchange for a good grade, the college professor gets to tickle some goth chick student’s feet and huge tits with a feather. The teacher catfights with another chick. Ron Jeremy, playing another professor, spends most of the movie roaming around the woods just waiting to get killed by the pirate, but he does stop long enough to feel up the female professor’s tits. A heavy metal soundtrack blares through most of the movie, even during the awful flashbacks to pirate days.

On the bright side, the pirate is a cool killer and even does a lot of “argh!” talk, the kills are numerous and gory, and the film has a cute final boy.

BLOOD MOON RISING: LUCY’S REVENGE (2009)

 blood moon rising cover

This one has so much old school grindhouse potential but changes tone way too many times. The intro scene setting up the background in 1869 lasts 18 minutes! Although there are plenty of horror elements, including the devil, a lynch mob, and a goth witch that looks way too modern to be from the 1800s, the entire scenario is not even necessary to what comes after—especially considering one of the characters later shows up in “modern” times to recap the past. The sequence also has that cheesy low-budget period piece feel to it, which isn’t the most appealing way to start a grindhouse horror film.

blood moon rising in couple sacrifice

Surprisingly, when we flash forward to 1969, the grindhouse look and feel is perfect. A bunch of free lovers dancing by a bonfire are attacked by werewolves and zombies, and there is gore galore.

blood moon rising wolf

There’s even a slapstick battle with a disembodied zombie hand.

blood moon rising hand

There’s a whole backstory about the goth witch from the 1800s coming back, and one chick becomes the hero who has to take the bitch down, but the film essentially turns into a really confusing zombie flick as the hero gets trapped in a ghost town with the cast and crew of a low-budget zombie flick!

blood moon rising zombies

There’s also a vampire biker gang and things turn more bad horror comedy than grindhouse. This is when Ron Jeremy shows up to deliver a couple of lines, the best being about heading to the theaters to see the latest Romero zombie film (Get it? It’s 1969). He’s attacked by zombies in about 2 minutes, but later reappears as a zombie…for about 1 minute.

blood moon rising ron

The movie just falls apart at the end as it takes on an apocalyptic theme involving the gates of hell. The cool, traditional grindhouse effects used early in the film are tossed aside for the worst, cartoonish CGI crap ever.

blood moon rising portal

It was hard to stick with the film until the end, but there was one bright moment; the vampires strap up this hottie in a tank top and a baldy vamp grabs his package.

blood moon rising grab 1

SLAUGHTER WEEKEND (2010)

slaughter weekend cover

WTF? I don’t even really know where to begin with this movie. It’s just a mish mosh of random shit happening, all apparently revolving around clerks at a store, but that was very hard to distinguish. There’s lesbian sex. Girls talk about their boobs while a perv films them from a bathroom stall. Guys talk about sex toys. Two dudes buy some sort of machine they didn’t actually want from some sort of dealer. A chick dies in the store bathroom so two guys chop her up to get rid of the body. A black dude and Asian dude are kidnapped by the pervert.

slaughter weekend bear

An old lady shoots some guys in the store. Lloyd Kaufman picks his ass. Ron Jeremy briefly plays himself, talking about being a fat porn star to indie scream king Shawn C. Phillips, and then offers him a job as a female phone sex operator.

slaughter weekend ron

Shawn agrees, as long as he can dress in drag. Later, Shawn appears in drag when Lloyd Kaufman calls the phone sex line. The perv kidnapper dresses as a bear, and apparently he’s trying to score two “cubs” for his mistresses. Seriously, this is a pointless mess that doesn’t do the indie film industry any favors.

ALPHA GIRLS: A SATANIC SORORITY SLASHER (2013)

alpha girls cover

Alpha Girls is essentially a low-budget copycat of The Craft with a strong 80s vibe, especially when it morphs into a slasher film, so it grabbed my attention.

alpha girls cast

It opens in 1896 with a satanic ritual involving boobs and blood, and then we fast forward to modern times. A new girl has joined a sorority and soon, she befriends another girl with magic powers. Eventually, all the girls start practicing magic, but then the first witch girl starts to get power crazy and goes all psycho on them. Forget her magic powers—she uses an axe! And every time she kills, the silhouette of a horned devil appears behind her.

alpha girls axe

The girls are all great in their roles and the movie takes itself seriously enough to deliver a tightly made low-budget experience. Ron’s cameo in this one again has him playing a God freak. This time, he’s a priest!

THE HAUNTED TRAILER (2014)

haunted trailer cover

The Haunted Trailer would make John Waters envious. This lowest of the low in trashy humor features a trailer trash family—a drag mom, two redneck sons, and a hot blonde daughter—trying to rid themselves of a demon: RON JEREMY.

haunted trailer boys

Endless fart and shit humor, incest humor (mostly gay), cum humor, and masturbation humor abound as the family calls in cops, priests, psychics, and more to get rid of Ron, who seems to be residing in the farts and shit of one of the brothers. There’s a demon fish attack, possessed shit attacks, and “the devil’s music” (aka: techno dance music) attacks. And eventually, one of the brothers gets a big white trash demon head, the best part of the movie IMO.

haunted trailer demon

Keep an eye out for a poster of the movie Spirit Camp, which I blog about here.

haunted trailer ron

SILENT SCREAMS (2015)

silent screams movie

This little film doesn’t stand a chance of existing for long in such a vast world of indie horror. While the basic premise is a unique setup for demonic fun, there’s really nothing entertaining enough happening to keep your attention, and there’s nothing here you’ll remember a month from now. I think that’s a major problem with so many indie filmmakers these days. They just want to see their idea put to film, never considering the expectations of the seasoned and jaded horror fans that will be watching. If you’re making a horror flick, it needs to be the total shit no matter what your budget or it’s really never going to matter to anyone but you.

An exchange student comes from Russia to live with a young woman and her family. There’s some weirdness going on between the Russian girl and the dad. The girls go to a party.

silent screams party dancer

Some guys try to drug and rape the Russian girl, but she gets demonic and takes care of them (her face goes temporarily bad CGI skeletal with glowing eyes, their faces fry in bad CGI flames).

silent screams skull

silent screams burn

Before long, the Russian mob enters the picture, everyone ends up in a warehouse, the Russian exchange demon levitates and takes care of the mob members, and then she and the family walk home together for a happy ending. Sigh.

So how does Ron Jeremy fit into all this? He’s a gay neighbor who pops into the party with his partner to ask everyone if they could just keep it down a little.

silent screams ron jeremy

This is also the point at which I’ll mention that there’s some notable lingering on the torsos of several shirtless men at the party, making it a pretty gay straight party. Like seriously, there are shots like this…which I have NOT zoomed in on at all….

silent screams bod

CREEPIES (2004)

This goofy giant bug movie with visual effects of the old Matchbox cars and monster models variety—combined with CGI critters—is more ridiculously entertaining than it should be, and actually feels like two totally different movies happening at the same time.

On the one hand, there’s the military story, which is where it all begins when two soldiers on a base drop a specimen jar in a lab and release an experimental spider.

Before long, military men are being spun into cocoons by CGI and puppet spiders the size of little dogs. This story escalates until the military is taking on giant spiders that are destroying a whole city! All in miniature model form in 1960s monster movie style, of course.

Next, there’s a rockin’ all-girl band and their tour crew of guys, who are somehow totally oblivious to the fact that giant spiders are leveling the city. After dropping loads of music references, they end up trapped in a building for the duration of the film after one of their friends is bit by a spider.

This is also the better of the two stories for me, because it’s good old campy b-movie fun as they battle swarms of small dog-sized spiders. It gets crazy for them, not to mention pretty dang gory and icky! It’s a teen splatterfest and it’s fun, fun, fun.

As for Ron, he makes the briefest appearance as a cop who is ill prepared for the appearance of a giant spider.

Now to hunt down Creepies 2. Oh yes, they did.

WEREWOLVES IN HEAT (2015)

This is the kind of werewolf movie you make when you only have enough money to pay Ron Jeremy for a 3-minute cameo. It’s one of Ron’s funnier appearances, playing a pimp at a dive bar who steers men to his werewolf whores. But that’s about the extent of the plot.

A few small groups of goofy guys stop at the bar, score some prostitutes, and have a sex party. There’s campy sex humor, some of it funny, some of it gay, some of it nothing new.

The longest scene is kind of odd, featuring a Jewish guy getting it on with a couple of Nazi girls.

Finally, the chicks turn into “werewolves.” All attacks are implied, and the girls look like they are done up in the “sexy” werewolf kits you can get at Party City for 5 bux. I mean, this is as lowbrow as you can get, so either enjoy it for what it is or just skip it.

TALES FROM THE CRAPPER (2004)

 

This Troma trash horror anthology features just two stories.

The first stars sex goddess Julie Strain and takes place at a strip club. I’m not quite sure what the hell is going on in this story, but I think Julie is a cop and there are also a bunch of bad guys. There’s lesbianism, a guy gets his wiener ripped off then fed to him…

…Julie ass bangs a rapist she captures with a traffic cone, Julie trains half naked then has sex with a blow-up doll—which turns into a full softcore lesbian porn scene, a female stripper makes one guy butt fuck another guy…

…and finally, one of the strippers turns into a giant bug creature and rapes another stripper.

Making things even more classy, fart sounds abound every time an ass so much as passes by the camera.

Pushing the Troma trash as far as it will go, Lloyd Kaufman serves as the Crap Keeper, and in between the first two segments gives us a long, skanky, soft core lesbian threesome…with one of them being a self-proclaimed “pre-op lesbian tranny.”

She masturbates a gun as the girls scissor, sniffs their farts, then fucks them with a wiener monster.

Would you believe the next disgusting nonstop fart and lesbian sex vampire story is filled with famous people?

And I’m not just talking about Ron Jeremy as the guy throwing a big party.

Guests include Jorge Garcia of Lost, Ted Raimi, Eli Roth, Trey Parker in a wig telling stories that would make de Sade puke, and the entire band New Found Glory.

Aside from the farts and lesbians, there’s a dude fucking a bunny, Lloyd Kaufman smears shit in a chick’s face, a dude’s face is ripped off, Julie Strain as the main vampire makes nonstop derogatory gay cracks at guys…and yet the thing that offended me was when someone pukes and says “I feel like Karen Carpenter.”

LADY PSYCHO KILLER (2015)

I wouldn’t even say this is so much a slasher, and I can’t say it’s a dark comedy because it’s not really humorous, so i guess it’s a dark teen angst serial killer profile film.

The main girl/killer narrates about the day she decided she no longer wanted to be an innocent virgin and went on a killing spree…beginning at Ron Jeremy’s strip club.

The premise is that her psych teacher—played by Michael Madsen—gives the class an assignment to break a sexual norm then give a report on it. So she starts with stripping, which quickly morphs into killing.

Then muscle hottie Dennis Andres of Bed of the Dead, a fellow classmate, takes an interest in her, and the movie mostly becomes about her becoming a man hater (and killer) as she becomes convinced that he’s just playing her with the help of his friends.

I guess it’s supposed to be compelling as the story unfolds and we wonder will she or won’t she make Dennis one of her victims. Yet as much as the movie tosses in enough odd plot points to make it quirky and includes appearances by the likes of Malcolm McDowell and Daniel Baldwin, I just found it to be too flat to live up to its title.

BLOODY MARY (2011)

I thought I turned on the wrong Ron Jeremy film when this one began with a softcore scene of two scissor sisters getting into it. But then a dude comes into the house, makes a sandwich, takes the knife, enters the bedroom, and attacks the women for their sinful relationship (since one of the women was his wife apparently).

Flash ahead to the present, and two rocker chicks sneak into a studio, talk about the tale of “Bloody Mary,” do the deed in the mirror, and out pops one of the chicks from the beginning, all naked, to kill them.

Cut to a sexy boy band type of guy performing in a music video to a song that seems to be called “Boom Boom Baby Banging On My Ribcage.” Okay, now we’re in Bad Dan Movie land. I was feeling it.

This cheesy flick has Ron Jeremy as the manager of a studio where this singer’s next video is to be shot (Ron doesn’t last long). B king Shawn C. Phillips also appears, as does a cast of characters that is slowly seduced by Bloody Mary as she appears to them during the course of the shoot, sometimes naked, sometimes dressed, occasionally killing a guy.

The guy running the show, who has an amulet she wants, adds some comic relief, and eventually Bloody Mary faces off against most of the cast all at once, supernaturally flinging knives (that seem to come out of nowhere) at them as they run around trying to escape her. Nothing scary or particularly memorable in this low budget mess (beyond the Boom Boom Ribcage song), but it has that odd early 2000s direct-to-DVD charm I like (even though it’s from 2011).

Meanwhile, I’ve also done blogs on all the films below in which Ron Jeremy appears. Click on the movie title to go to the blog.

Bite School

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp

Chillerama

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part IV

Death Factory

The Doll

Getting Schooled

Jersey Shore Massacre

Night of the Dead

One-Eyed Monster

Poultrygeist

Range 15

Sorority Party Massacre

Voodoo

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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6 Responses to Ron Jeremy…scream king?

  1. joshuaskye says:

    Ron Jeremy can be a hoot!

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