Without missing a beat, Ron Jeremy wormed his way from porn films to horror. And he has racked up appearances in dozens of horror flicks in the last decade. So naturally, I hunted down as many of them as I could. So let’s get to it.
THE WICKEDS (2005)
Ron is one of the major characters in this low-budget zombie/vampire flick. And I love it, indie flaws and all: cheesy edits and cuts; hokey sound effects; jumps from film to video; mind-numbing thrash metal music; and loads of zombie and vampire fun. The cast is funny, the guys are cute, and the zombie makeup and gore effects are awesome. And it just has that all around crappy charming direct-to-video feel.
Even though it takes place on Halloween, you can’t really consider The Wickeds a Halloween film. The holiday is only mentioned twice and every fricking tree in the movie is bright green.
Anyway, a group of kids arrives at an old creepy house in which a bad b-movie is being filmed (wink wink) for a Halloween party. Pretty soon, Ron and his buddy, who are grave robbers, show up, followed by a pack of zombies and a classic vampire looking for an amulet Ron and friend stole from his grave!
The Wickeds does indeed have it all:
- sex between a guy and girl who both have great asses
- references to Night of the Living Dead and Evil Dead
- Zombie make out session
- Gut munching
- Zombie chase scenes
Despite its limitations as an indie, the film also has some great gore effects, is well-paced, and features a cast that nails the comic timing. The only part that grated on me was a rather shrill screaming segment when they are fighting over how to get out of their predicament.
ANDRE THE BUTCHER (2005)
Ron Jeremy as the killer in a backwoods slasher comedy. And it’s a whole lot of WTFery. He’s essentially Leatherface in a welding mask.
There’s an old man “Greek chorus,” a 4-person cheerleading team (3 girls and a guy) on the way to a competition, two escaped convicts (one of them a priest), and approximately three cops wearing “Sheriff” uniforms.
It’s all slapstick comedy and cheesy over-the-top gore, lesbian sex, female nudity, adolescent masturbation and gay humor (Jesus even gets called a homo), a gay with a hard-on dancing around in his tighty whities, and finally, a fricking religious twist (which is kind of unique). Yeah. It’s low-budget bad, but you will laugh a few times…and you get to see Ron Jeremy play the masked killer having a martial arts fight with a cheerleader.
FRANKENSTEIN VS. THE CREATURE FROM BLOOD COVE (2005)
This one has so much potential to be a fun throwback to the classic monster movies, but it’s just not campy enough. Sure, there are some modern trashy moments thrown in with some nudity, but the humor is painfully lacking and the movie runs too long without giving us anything new to keep it interesting.
Shot in black and white for an authentic look, Frankenstein vs. The Creature from Blood Cove features a trio of crazy scientists that resurrect the Frankenstein monster. Early on, there’s some sort of werewolf/Bigfoot monster, but pretty soon, Franky and the fish man appear. A majority of the movie features them fighting each other as well as terrorizing a modeling shoot on the beach.
The highlight is pretty much the first time the modeling shoot is disrupted by the fish man in his old school rubber suit. The photographer even mistakes the creature for a man in a rubber suit. The movie needed more of this type of self-referential humor. There’s also a flamboyant gay assistant, but his shtick becomes routine, with predictable references to things like San Francisco and Liberace. You know it’s bad when the gay guy can’t even save a film. On the positive side, he makes it to the end.
To finally break up the repetitive plot, a ghost is added to the mix, but that still doesn’t help much. Grasping at straws, the movie takes us to a strip club. Lloyd Kaufman has a cameo, as does Ron Jeremy, who makes a couple of dirty comments about a stripper. That’s the extent of his appearance. Franky invades the club, we get some goofy black and white gore, then the film pretty much goes back to the status quo until the end.
WITCH’S SABBATH (2005)
This piece of schlock is all about the boobs, boys, and blood. While many will probably say it’s “the worst movie I’ve ever seen” on the message boards, this is really just total lowbrow erotic horror entertainment that delivers exactly what it’s selling.
A bunch of bodacious witch babes lure cute boys down to their mansion dungeon to cut off their heads, their goal being 666 beheadings before Halloween night. The main witch mistress in leather has bodacious boobs, a scary metal-clawed glove, and black demon eyes, and she and her coven always get these guys shirtless before hacking them up.
The main characters are two couples that go to a strip club, where they are invited to a Halloween party at the mansion. Continuing to claim their victims, they divide and conquer the foursome, including the girls. One of the guys, who is on a first date with his girl, pretty much steals the show. All the funny parts seem to go to him, probably because he knows how to deliver a comic line. I wish there had been more of a focus on the humor.
Meanwhile, Ron Jeremy has a small scene. He shows up at the mansion preaching the word of God…and ends up in the dungeon, tied down and surrounded by witch boobs. It’s actually a funny scene because the camera intentionally shoots from an angle that makes it look as if Ron is begging a huge tit to spare his life.
And finally, just when you think this movie is going to be all blood and boobs, a big demon right out of an 80s movie bursts through a wall! Awesome.
CURSE OF PIRATE DEATH (2006)
Curse of Pirate Death is just bad enough to have its enjoyable moments. It’s a story of a bunch of (mostly skanky) college kids that head out with their professor to look for a treasure belonging to an evil pirate of days gone by. Naturally, he’s now a pirate zombie with a mean hook.
There’s a splash of trash here to remind us this is a bad indie. In exchange for a good grade, the college professor gets to tickle some goth chick student’s feet and huge tits with a feather. The teacher catfights with another chick. Ron Jeremy, playing another professor, spends most of the movie roaming around the woods just waiting to get killed by the pirate, but he does stop long enough to feel up the female professor’s tits. A heavy metal soundtrack blares through most of the movie, even during the awful flashbacks to pirate days.
On the bright side, the pirate is a cool killer and even does a lot of “argh!” talk, the kills are numerous and gory, and the film has a cute final boy.
BLOOD MOON RISING: LUCY’S REVENGE (2009)
This one has so much old school grindhouse potential but changes tone way too many times. The intro scene setting up the background in 1869 lasts 18 minutes! Although there are plenty of horror elements, including the devil, a lynch mob, and a goth witch that looks way too modern to be from the 1800s, the entire scenario is not even necessary to what comes after—especially considering one of the characters later shows up in “modern” times to recap the past. The sequence also has that cheesy low-budget period piece feel to it, which isn’t the most appealing way to start a grindhouse horror film.
Surprisingly, when we flash forward to 1969, the grindhouse look and feel is perfect. A bunch of free lovers dancing by a bonfire are attacked by werewolves and zombies, and there is gore galore.
There’s even a slapstick battle with a disembodied zombie hand.
There’s a whole backstory about the goth witch from the 1800s coming back, and one chick becomes the hero who has to take the bitch down, but the film essentially turns into a really confusing zombie flick as the hero gets trapped in a ghost town with the cast and crew of a low-budget zombie flick!
There’s also a vampire biker gang and things turn more bad horror comedy than grindhouse. This is when Ron Jeremy shows up to deliver a couple of lines, the best being about heading to the theaters to see the latest Romero zombie film (Get it? It’s 1969). He’s attacked by zombies in about 2 minutes, but later reappears as a zombie…for about 1 minute.
The movie just falls apart at the end as it takes on an apocalyptic theme involving the gates of hell. The cool, traditional grindhouse effects used early in the film are tossed aside for the worst, cartoonish CGI crap ever.
It was hard to stick with the film until the end, but there was one bright moment; the vampires strap up this hottie in a tank top and a baldy vamp grabs his package.
SLAUGHTER WEEKEND (2010)
WTF? I don’t even really know where to begin with this movie. It’s just a mish mosh of random shit happening, all apparently revolving around clerks at a store, but that was very hard to distinguish. There’s lesbian sex. Girls talk about their boobs while a perv films them from a bathroom stall. Guys talk about sex toys. Two dudes buy some sort of machine they didn’t actually want from some sort of dealer. A chick dies in the store bathroom so two guys chop her up to get rid of the body. A black dude and Asian dude are kidnapped by the pervert.
An old lady shoots some guys in the store. Lloyd Kaufman picks his ass. Ron Jeremy briefly plays himself, talking about being a fat porn star to indie scream king Shawn C. Phillips, and then offers him a job as a female phone sex operator.
Shawn agrees, as long as he can dress in drag. Later, Shawn appears in drag when Lloyd Kaufman calls the phone sex line. The perv kidnapper dresses as a bear, and apparently he’s trying to score two “cubs” for his mistresses. Seriously, this is a pointless mess that doesn’t do the indie film industry any favors.
ALPHA GIRLS: A SATANIC SORORITY SLASHER (2013)
Alpha Girls is essentially a low-budget copycat of The Craft with a strong 80s vibe, especially when it morphs into a slasher film, so it grabbed my attention.
It opens in 1896 with a satanic ritual involving boobs and blood, and then we fast forward to modern times. A new girl has joined a sorority and soon, she befriends another girl with magic powers. Eventually, all the girls start practicing magic, but then the first witch girl starts to get power crazy and goes all psycho on them. Forget her magic powers—she uses an axe! And every time she kills, the silhouette of a horned devil appears behind her.
The girls are all great in their roles and the movie takes itself seriously enough to deliver a tightly made low-budget experience. Ron’s cameo in this one again has him playing a God freak. This time, he’s a priest!
THE HAUNTED TRAILER (2014)
The Haunted Trailer would make John Waters envious. This lowest of the low in trashy humor features a trailer trash family—a drag mom, two redneck sons, and a hot blonde daughter—trying to rid themselves of a demon: RON JEREMY.
Endless fart and shit humor, incest humor (mostly gay), cum humor, and masturbation humor abound as the family calls in cops, priests, psychics, and more to get rid of Ron, who seems to be residing in the farts and shit of one of the brothers. There’s a demon fish attack, possessed shit attacks, and “the devil’s music” (aka: techno dance music) attacks. And eventually, one of the brothers gets a big white trash demon head, the best part of the movie IMO.
Keep an eye out for a poster of the movie Spirit Camp, which I blog about here.
SILENT SCREAMS (2015)
This little film doesn’t stand a chance of existing for long in such a vast world of indie horror. While the basic premise is a unique setup for demonic fun, there’s really nothing entertaining enough happening to keep your attention, and there’s nothing here you’ll remember a month from now. I think that’s a major problem with so many indie filmmakers these days. They just want to see their idea put to film, never considering the expectations of the seasoned and jaded horror fans that will be watching. If you’re making a horror flick, it needs to be the total shit no matter what your budget or it’s really never going to matter to anyone but you.
An exchange student comes from Russia to live with a young woman and her family. There’s some weirdness going on between the Russian girl and the dad. The girls go to a party.
Some guys try to drug and rape the Russian girl, but she gets demonic and takes care of them (her face goes temporarily bad CGI skeletal with glowing eyes, their faces fry in bad CGI flames).
Before long, the Russian mob enters the picture, everyone ends up in a warehouse, the Russian exchange demon levitates and takes care of the mob members, and then she and the family walk home together for a happy ending. Sigh.
So how does Ron Jeremy fit into all this? He’s a gay neighbor who pops into the party with his partner to ask everyone if they could just keep it down a little.
This is also the point at which I’ll mention that there’s some notable lingering on the torsos of several shirtless men at the party, making it a pretty gay straight party. Like seriously, there are shots like this…which I have NOT zoomed in on at all….
Meanwhile, there are still at least half-a-dozen movies featuring Ron that I have to track down, but I’ve also done blogs on all the films below in which he appears. Click on the movie title to go to the blog.