Just axe and you shall receive…but not an axe

What to do when you stream two movies with the word “axe” in their titles…but very little axetion in the axetual films? Blog about them, of course!

AXEMAN (2013)

Director Joston Theney’s Axeman 2 is already on the way, and although it took a while to get me hyped for it, by the time I reached the end of Axeman, I was ready for part 2.

The fact is, Axeman feeds the most basic slasher needs – sex and violence. Things start off strong with scream queen Tiffany Shepis and some buddies as baddies up to no good in the woods. There’s hell to pay when a towering man breaks into their place, which gives the impression that some sort of criminal business deal went wrong. But no, this big assed dude is just our psycho killer (and former NBA player Scot Pollard).

Up next, a whole load of pretty people—especially the boys.

So I can’t complain about the copious amounts of sex talk and sex scenes that take place throughout much of the film…except for the fact that most of it is girl-on-girl.

Although, one pervy dude does make a deliciously nasty beat-off buddy suggestion to director Joston Theney (who also stars in the film) while they’re peeping some lesbian action.

The group also has some relationship drama and sits around discussing an urban legend of…the Axeman! Then they split up for more sex, and periodically someone gets killed by the big guy with…a knife. Yeah, the legend is bullshit, because the Axeman uses a knife for a majority of his kills.

“Careful, you have an eyelash in…oh, wait. That’s a knife.”

While the movie feels like it’s not going anywhere but the cabin bedrooms, all of a sudden, the killer comes in and starts going to town! Shit gets violent and bloody fast and several of the deaths are viciously prolonged.

Scream queen Brinke Stevens joins in on the fun as the local sheriff in a brief cameo that captures the campy style for which she’s known. Seriously, the climax delivers hard and good, with the promise of more to come. Just the way I like it.

THE AXE MURDERS OF VILLISCA (2016)

Enjoy the slick home axe massacre enacted by horror veteran Sean Whalen (aka: Roach of The People Under the Stairs) at the beginning of this fictional ghost film built around a real life massacre, because that’s the hottest piece of axe you’re going to get in The Axe Murders of Villisca.

Next, we meet three high school outcasts. In a refreshing twist, the butch brooding boy is gay.

Pretty gay…

His sensitive, pretty boy buddy is straight and invites a slut-shamed girl to join them on a tour of the supposedly haunted Villisca house, where the axe murders took place back in 1912.

Pretty straight…

The girl suggests they break into the place for a closer look at the off limits areas at night. I have to admit, the movie was really holding my interest, not only because it focused on few characters, but also because it was avoiding the obvious cheap scare tactics.

For instance, when the girl takes a selfie in the dark basement, there is not a creepy apparition standing behind her in the photo.

The slow burn builds right to the point when the trio sits down for a séance. I have to ask, do straight boys really try to impress girls with fart humor? Anyway, once the fart cements the straight stereotypes, out come the cringeworthy gay stereotypes. This time, we get the gay guy who is disturbingly possessive of his straight best friend and hateful toward any girl that shows an interest in him. Sigh. Personally, after the fart, I’d be like, “Bitch, he’s all yours.”

Moments after the gay guy flips out on the girl, the trio’s archenemies, a couple of bullies from school, break into the paranormally inactive house, and it’s suddenly supernatural evil to the MAX. What’s worse, this clusterfuck tries to explore the feelings and issues of each character by putting them through the motions of being haunted and possessed and blaming it all on the house. Yet the movie fails to in any way develop what is making the ghosts of the past act out against the characters or why the haunting is unleashing the characters’ guilt and misery.

As for the horrors, you get demon eyes, crawling ghost girls, a gay kiss that immediately morphs into a gay bashing, a cameo by the axe, a couple of deaths, a big redemption moment for a main character, and a totally cheesy tag revealing the ghostly new tenants in the house.