So much trash from the 80s wasn’t even worthy of DVD release…yet is all making its way to Blu-ray now…with disclaimers noting that they aren’t in HD and not sourced from original prints. So essentially, they are full screen VHS tapes that have been cleaned up a bit and slapped onto Blu-rays, and not even as budget titles, most often costing at least ten dollars more than major blockbuster releases. Why are they worth that much? Because we collectors are warned that these are in limited releases of 3000 copies! Get ‘em now or they’ll be on ebay for 3000 dollars a copy!
Humanoids from the Deep meets C.H.U.D. in this awesome mess that is the epitome of all that was so craptastic about 80s direct-to-video garbage. What’s most amazing to me is that this movie’s plot was totally ripped off about 15 years later for an episode of Joss Whedon’s Angel. Coincidence?
Men are morphing into hideous, bug-eyed creatures then raping virgins. Once their cherries are popped, the women stroll completely naked into the underground tunnels of New York City, where they all soak together in a big slime bath, waiting to give birth to the monsters that have been implanted in them. A detective and a doctor must work together to interrupt the coitus.
Directed by gay porn director Tim Kincaid (aka: Joe Gage), Breeders is 80s gold. The naturally skanky 80s fashions alone make it impossible to believe that any of these women are virgins. There’s a modeling photo shoot montage, followed by a montage of a model doing naked stretches. The men morphing is gory goodness. The detective and doctor just standing there watching an entire morphing session instead of running is classic 80s—as is the gratuitous footage of the naked women simply rolling in the tub of slime. On top of all that, there’s a mutant version of the already mutant offspring—a deformity caused by one of the breeders fucking a bag lady that wasn’t a virgin.
KILLER WORKOUT (aka: Aerobicide) (1987)
Before Death Spa (blog here), there was…Killer Workout!
With one of the best synthpop soundtracks never released in the 80s—even including a song by Madonna’s background singer Donna De Lory—this flick is loaded with endless scenes of women in unitards and leg warmers, jazzercising their asses off. We are also bombarded by scenes of steroidheads fist fighting in jealous rages.
Plus, an unseen killer uses a knife-sized safety pin to rack up a major body count, complete with killer POV and dark, grainy shadows.
When 80s slashers hit an all-time low like this, you know it’s a classic.
SHOCK ‘EM DEAD (1991)
Despite being slapped with a 1991 release date, this is the absolute worst of late 80s horror—and I don’t mean that in a good way. This movie is atrocious.
Traci Lords “manages” a heavy metal hair band. Burger-flipping geek Martin wants in that band. The band thinks he sucks. So he goes to a voodoo lady and sells his soul for rock stardom. He’s transported into a demonic world, where he touches the double-shafted guitar being held at the crotch of a rock demon, and then wakes from the trippy ritual with girls, a mansion, and high hair. But there’s a catch. To maintain his fame, Martin must kill people.
With a plot like that, this piece of shit should be awesome. It’s not. It sucks so bad. It’s fucking boring. The horrible hair band fashions can’t help. Posters of WASP, The Cult, and AC/DC can’t help. A big gay lead singer in spandex and a head bandana that would make Olivia Newton-John jealous can’t help.
Traci Lords in a catfight can’t help. Rockers and groupies with glowing green demon eyes can’t help. Appearances by has-beens Troy Donahue and Aldo Ray can’t help. You’re better off just watching Killer Workout again.