Adolescent humor, cute burnout frat boy types, hot babes, and boobs abound. Plus, a killer bong! The Evil Bong franchise is a Charles Band charmer! I actually watched a marathon of the entire series. And I’d do it again!
EVIL BONG (2006)
A geek, a jock, a burnout, and one John Patrick Jordan as the cutie (for lack of a better identifier) are all rooming together. They mail-order a bong that is supposedly possessed. They soon learn it is!
So how does a bong kill people? She lures them in with her seductive voice—actually, she sounds like one of those tough talking divas on the bitch tracks you’d hear in the big clubs in the 90s. So she gets them to take a toke and then they get sucked into her bong—a trippy strip joint where lap dances can be deadly!
The first film is the only one in the original trilogy that has a conventional “slasher” plot. It’s also sort of like Elm Street, but you die when you’re high, not while dreaming. But even though there’s some blood, Evil Bong is all about fun, not fear (as if I needed to clarify that about a movie called Evil Bong). The boys are great—and the grandfather of the cutie is a hoot.
And then there are the Full Moon cameos, from actors to movie characters! The bong strip joint is filled with them: Bill Moseley, Tim Thomerson from Trancers, scream king Phil Fondacaro of dozens of horror flicks, one of the Demonic Toys, Gingerdead Man, and Ooga Booga, who wouldn’t get his own feature film until 7 years later. But he makes quite an impression here, whacking off as he watches a guy die at the hands of a stripper!
But my absolute favorite character in the movie is the jock’s girlfriend Luann, played by Robin Sydney. She rules. She played straight as the final girl in the original Gingerdead Man, but here, she is absolutely wacky. She does this hysterical horny dance, complete with a hands-free pogo stick ride. I LOVE her.
In the end, there’s only one person who could come in to save the day. Actually, there are two, but I guess Cheech wasn’t available. However, Chong was! Leave it to Chong to take on the bong….
EVIL BONG 2: KING BONG (2009)
The boys are back, and almost the entire cast returns. The only replacement is the geek, and when he first appears on screen, the cutie says to him “I almost didn’t recognize you.” Even Luann, grandpa, and the guy who delivered the bong in the first movie are back!
This time, the boys are off to South America to uncover the origins of the evil bong because they are all having side effects. The burnout keeps passing out. The jock got fat. And cutie John Patrick Jordan is humping any object that comes near his crotch (nobody has ever looked better mounting a chair).
Sadly, Luann doesn’t join the boys in South America, but they do meet grandpa there, as well as his lovely female assistant Velicity, who’s helping him harvest pot for “medicinal research.” She also knows how to cure the boys of their affliction; find the Poontang Tribe. And you’ll never believe it. They’re a bunch of babes in nothing but loincloths. And their master is King Bong!
No horror or blood in this one. It’s total slapstick comedy. The highlight has to be when the Poontang Tribe roles the delivery man into a human joint. Well, that and John Patrick Jordan’s insatiable boner.
EVIL BONG 3: THE WRATH OF BONG (2011)
By the third film, Evil Bong is really beginning to feel like a sitcom. It would make a great webseries if it were split into short segments. It’s just goofy fun with a cast of loveable characters.
The boys are back and again only the geek has been replaced, this time by indie horror veteran Peter Stickles! The geek is now a scientist investigating a meteor that landed in the woods. The cutie has become a conspiracy theorist and is in hiding. And the burnout and the jock are running a head shop!
It also turns out there’s an evil bong from outer space in the meteor, plotting to take over the planet. So the boys have to turn to the diva evil bong for help—once they get her from grandpa, who has gone totally Willie Nelson! Plus Luann is back, Velicity is back, and the deliveryman has become a pot-loving priest!
So this time around, when the alien evil bong gets you high, you end up in a world of naked women…who attach you to a machine that sucks all the sperm out of your balls for use in populating the alien race! It makes for some great comedy, and we get to watch Peter Stickles get sucked dry (yummy) and the jock get splattered in sperm.
And finally, the original evil bong is at her sassiest and playing up the race card, mocking the whiteness of all the boys. Mysteriously, the film ends with a message that coming soon is Evil Bong vs. The Killer Crack Pipe. That never happened, but we did get….
GINGERDEAD MAN vs. EVIL BONG (2013)
This one is icing on the cookie, especially if you’ve seen both series. I covered the Gingerdead Man films here. But introducing him into the Evil Bong franchise brings back some of the slasher elements.
Gingerdead Man wants to get revenge on the chick who made him into a cookie in the first place. That person happens to be played by Robin Sydney, whose character has now opened a bakery. And it’s across the street from a head shop that has been opened by cutie John Patrick Jordan!
Our cutie is no longer talking to his friends, so they don’t appear in this film, but he has kept the evil bong locked away so she can’t cause any trouble. The deliveryman/priest returns, and he’s now a salesman selling Evil Bong merchandise! He tells the cutie about the chick who opened the bakery across the street, and how she looks just like Luann! Yes, Robin Sydney does come face to face with herself and I love it!
There’s another Full Moon appearance as well. The clown who created Ooga Booga comes in to the head shop trying to sell his doll. If you’ve seen Ooga Booga (which I blog about here), you’ll really appreciate the in-jokes.
Meanwhile, the cutie decides there’s no better cross-promotion than a head shop and a bakery. While he’s talking it over with the owner, Gingerdead Man finds her! Let the killings begin.
In order to escape Gingerdead Man, there’s only one place for our main characters to go…inside the evil bong! And you know he follows them! Will the beloved characters end on a high note?
We do find out there was a happy and gay ending for some of our other favorite characters that don’t appear in this film, so that sort of negates all the “queer” and “fag” and “I’m a real man” comments thrown around throughout the series. But the revelation is preceded by, “This is the only time I’ll ever talk about this.”
EVIL BONG 420 (2015)
Now Charles Band has gone too far. It seems like the Evil Bong franchise is now being done just for his own personal fun. The experience is essentially the same as watching a really bad reunion episode of one of your favorite sitcoms like 20 years after it went off the air. It’s great to see everyone together again, but there is just no magic left—and pretty much no story.
Rabbit, the old guy from the previous installments, now owns a bowling alley. He stole loads of weed from Evil Bong and created a “weed blower” gun that gets you high with just one shot. But he spends a majority of the film just standing at the counter in his alley getting his female employees to show him their tits.
Favorites Robin Sydney and John Patrick Jordan show up, as does Jordan’s ex-girlfriend from the other movies, which leads to some bickering between the two chicks. The clown who created Ooga Booga visits and throws around racist comments, particularly during a painfully over-the-top encounter with an Asian couple. Oh…and Ooga Booga makes a brief appearance to stab a redneck that steals from a black chick.
So where are the baddies? Gingerdead Man is stuck in the Evil Bong, and the pair talks about getting revenge on their human enemies. All the while, Gingerdead Man is being felt up by two naked chicks. Eventually, he returns to the real world and fucks a chick, shooting whipped cream all over her face (okay, I totally laughed).
Amazingly, the highlight of the film is a cameo by homoerotic horror king David DeCoteau. He shows up at the bowling alley, claiming it’s where he shot Sorority Babes in the Slimball Bowl-O-Rama. It’s a great moment that pokes fun at him being gay and the kinds of crappy movies he makes. In other LGBTQ news, a badly outdated joke is delivered about Bruce Jenner. It means nothing at this point and easily could have been edited out.
The movie only runs 53 minutes—I’m not kidding—and ends with the Evil Bong sucking all the main characters back into itself. This either means they all died, or there’s going to be another sequel. If that’s the case, they should have just edited out a whole shit load of tits from this movie, shot a final sequence in Bong Land, and called it a day.