Everybody hates a clown…

Clowns are about as kid-friendly as liver. Especially when the clown is slicing you open to remove your liver. When I think of clowns, I think of John Wayne Gacy, not Ronald McDonald (and even he was kinda creepy).

If clowns weren’t already scary, movies like Poltergeist and Stephen King’s It helped catapult them into the horror hall of fame. So it’s no surprise they are a go-to horror cliché. Here is a list of my cliché viewing experience—I mean, clown viewing experience. Note that I’ve made sure to leave out the obvious (and atrocious) 1976 film The Clown Murders, starring John Candy.

CLOWN (2014)

clown cover

Here’s a curiously confusing piece of cinema. Apparently, a mock trailer was made in 2010 for an Eli Roth film called Clown, only, it wasn’t actually made by Eli Roth….

However, it inspired Roth to actually make the movie. In the meantime, in 2012, the anthology film Scary or Die was released (I cover it below), and it includes the amazing segment “Clowned,” which features pretty much this same exact plot. After a kid’s birthday party, a dad turns permanently into a clown and begins feasting on little children. Yummy.

clown kid

Having seen and loved “Clowned,” my opinion on Clown is seriously skewered. More than the first hour of the film gives me a “been there done there” feeling, with only minor details changed, so I wasn’t all that into it. Clown does manage to invite dark humor into the plot, which actually kind of killed it for me. This plot just works better when it’s creepy. If I want campy clown horror, I’ll turn to Stitches (also below).

clown in blue

That said, when Clown finally takes itself seriously, it’s uphill right through the end…in a pretty formulaic supernatural slasher way. But that’s not a bad thing. The fun begins with terror at a children’s playhouse venue—best segment of the whole movie. After that, the clown goes from looking like a psycho killer in a clown costume to being an actual clown demon, which is awesome. Plus, there are some gory kills (of kiddies) and a final chase/battle with the clown’s wife. Good stuff that totally saves this film.

FEAR OF CLOWNS 1&2 (2004, 2007)

fear of clowns franchise

In this franchise, a young artist who paints pictures of clowns to cope with her fear of them is suddenly being stalked by a psycho clown with an axe. With that premise, Fear of Clowns has great potential, from suspenseful setups with classic slasher camerawork to the charismatic main detective who provides some comic relief. There’s even some boobage to add to the authentic feel. However, gore hounds will be disappointed that we get mostly cutaway kills and split second stuff to mask the lack of special effects. Also, the film could have been tightened up by shaving off at least twenty of its hour and forty-five minute running time.

And yet, Fear of Clowns kept my attention. That’s thanks in large part to Shivers, the shirtless killer clown. He’s a furry chested stud! I know his physical stature is supposed to make his presence imposing and frightening, but he’s just so fricking HOT. I love Shivers. I have a crush on Shivers. I want to have Shivers’ babies, despite his freaky crooked grin…a big toothy one that came ten years before Twisty on American Horror Story.

fear of clowns body

As for Fear of Clowns 2, not only has director Kevin Kangas improved, but his returning cast seems much more comfortable with being in front of the camera and playing these characters. Main girl Jacqueline Reres is back. Where as in the first film she was just another forgettable chick doing a horror film, this time around she feels like a real genuine scream queen. I adore her in this sequel; it’s the kind of performance that makes a slasher lover like me want her to be the main girl in more horror films.

Our main detective returns as well. Actor Frank Lama is so comfortably casual in his role and equally as charismatic as in the first film (he is just adorable), but his humorous side has been replaced with a more serious tone; his character is dealing with some major issues on top of trying to protect Jacqueline from Shivers.

Actor Mark Lassise returns once again to fill Shivers’s shoes, not shirt. Wahoo! The hot bod is still on display and his face looks even more cold and evil than in the first film. He has escaped from a mental institution with some friends—who also don clown drag for some murderous fun. One clown has cannibalistic tendencies and we get some diversity with a big burly black clown!

fear of clowns head

Fear of Clowns 2 delivers a fresh scenario. The detective whisks the main girl away to an isolated farmhouse location to keep her safe from Shivers…and brings a trio of his gun-loving white trash buddies along to help protect her. There are more victims, more gore thanks to amped up special effects (a barn kill is especially awesome), more boobs, much more atmosphere, and a strong music score. Plus, the nighttime farm setting has that old school rustic look and feel of the original Friday the 13th.

Fear of Clowns 2 works perfectly as a straightforward killer-stalks-girl slasher, right down to the excellent chase scenes and final showdown.

SECRETS OF THE CLOWN (2007)

secrets of the clown cover

This low budget flick has a whole load of crazy stuff going on. It opens strong with a girl with bodacious bazongas waking up her shirtless beefcake boyfriend to check on a noise. The pic below is about as much as you see of him in the dark. A shadow of a clown soon kills them both.

secrets of clown intro stud

But the real story is happening next door! After some relationship drama, a beefy guy’s friend breaks this clown doll his girlfriend loves…and then gets stabbed to death outside the house!

secrets of the clown - doll

Beefy boy (who looks good in a wifebeater) starts to dream about clowns, his best friend as a zombie, and his girlfriend turning into a demon and attacking him. His friends decide to hire a psychic to find out who killed their friend.

secrets of the clown kill

There’s more murder (we never see the killer). There’s a séance. There are witch battles and occult rituals. There are robed demons with painted faces.

secrets of clown demon

And just when you think it can’t get any more chaotic…there’s a big muscle clown in a loincloth in the last ten minutes. What took him so long? I gladly would have watched him run around for an hour and a half!

secrets of clown killer

Secrets of the Clown piles every horror subgenre into one big indie mess. Cutting it down to an hour and ten minutes from its hour and forty minute run time could have helped. In fact, in the final scene, our beefy boy sees recent days flash before his eyes, and all those quick cuts of the horror elements of the film make it look like a really good movie!

secrets of clown lead

There were a couple of bright spots for me. It’s loaded with middle-aged stupid-cute men (see pic above). Slurp. And the actual music score was pretty good and could have been effectively creepy in a different movie. And finally, the best gore scene was a very graphic segment featuring our leading beefy boy plucking shards of glass out of his friend’s face. Again, had it been in a different movie….

DEAD CLOWNS (2004)

dead-clowns

Dead Clowns. They’re zombie clowns! I really like the premise of this one, which seems to be inspired by John Carpenter’s The Fog. Indie director Steve Sessions is a master at building horror atmosphere and an old school slow burner feel in his movies, despite any of their flaws.

In Dead Clowns he creates a feeling of isolation as he focuses on various individuals preparing for a bad hurricane in a small town. The plot is simple; fifty years ago, a train full of clowns fell off a bridge in town and the bodies were left under water. Now the clowns have returned for revenge.

The cast of characters includes Debbie Rochon, a guy in a wheelchair, a couple of violent home invaders, and a security guard. The zombie clowns are super creepy and there’s some good gore, including gut munching, but the movie never develops a plot to propel it forward; we just get glimpses of each of these characters being stalked by zombie clowns. Visually and in tone it’s very effective, but overall the film drags big time. On the plus side, it sure has a dark and morbid ending.

ALL HALLOW’S EVE (2013)

all-hallows-eve

The creepy as hell anthology that everyone should see. It has three spine-tingling stories, a great wraparound, excellent style and look, tension and suspense, jump scares, fine performances, and cool special effects. It also delivers plenty of Halloween spirit.

And then there’s the horrific clown on the front cover. This clown does everything right. For starters, he’s ghastly looking and slightly reminiscent of Sid Haig in House of 1000 Corpses. He doesn’t talk. He appears completely motionless in the background, just staring at you. He toys with his victims. He appears in every story. And he loves blood.

The wraparound concerns a chick babysitting two kids. One of the kids finds a VHS tape in his trick or treat bag. I still don’t understand why movies are defaulting to evil VHS tapes, considering kids probably don’t even know what a VHS tape is these days. But it does give this movie a great throwback feel.

all-hallows-eve-clown-hitch

So the kids finally convince the babysitter to turn off Night of the Living Dead and pop in the video….

The first story is a great freakfest in underground tunnels. A young woman waiting for a train on Halloween night…with a fucking clown. Kill me now. Okay, I take that back. Get me the fuck out of there. Because before you know it, there’s a whole gaggle of robed demons and wicked gore.

The second story is chilling and atmospheric. A young woman is alone unpacking in her new home when something lands nearby. The lights go out and she begins a terrifying cat and mouse game with fricking extra-terrestrials. And believe it or not, the clown makes a very creative appearance in this story.

all-hallows-even-alien

You’ll immediately notice a change in the quality of the film in the 3rd story. GRINDHOUSE FLICK! What a great way to end this trilogy. This one is your worst nightmare if you hate clowns, particularly the one in this movie. This poor young girl stops for gas and before long, she is being pursued down dark, desolate roads by this fucking clown. Horrific. And uber grisly. Loved it.

And finally, the wraparound reaches a trippy climax, with the clown absolutely exploiting his terrifying presence.

KILLJOY (2000)

killjoy
Killjoy must have done something right, because he’s still alive after a decade. Forget Leprechaun in da hood…this is Homey the Clown in da hood…with some serious Pippi Longstocking hair.

Killjoy begins as a sweet, quiet, studious geek named Michael. Michael has the hots for the girlfriend of bad ass mo’ fo’ Lorenzo. So of course, Lorenzo and his gang have to teach Michael a lesson. Little do they know that Michael knows black magic. He worships his Killjoy doll during a ritual to get revenge, but before he can finish, Lorenzo and gang kidnap him! The only thing worse than black magic spells are incomplete black magic spells….

killjoy clown

It’s campy, it’s comic, it’s laughable, it has no budget—Killjoy rox. Killjoy gets revenge on Michael’s tormentors by luring them into an ice cream truck (I didn’t realize how much gangstas loved ice cream), which leads them into Killjoy’s plain of existence—a warehouse covered in colorful drapes and drenched in Argento lighting. Much like in Freddy’s world, when you die in Killjoy’s world, you’re found dead in the real world.

The most effective scene in the film has to be when Killjoy comes for Lorenzo, running down the halls of the gloomy projects. EEK! Once Killjoy has made an army of undead minions out of Lorenzo and his gang, Lorenzo’s girlfriend, who is the only one who can release Michael from Killjoy’s spell, has to face off against them. This is where things get very zombie-esque.

Killjoy is creepy, he’s nasty, he fux with your mind, and he delivers the best final line of a horror movie ever (MAJOR SPOILER giving away the end of the film): “That’s some good Pus-say!” Yeah. Imagine getting “eaten” by a creepy clown….

KILLJOY 2: DELIVERANCE FROM EVIL (2002)

killjoy-2

Killjoy returns with a better budget. No more running through a fake ghetto. And Killjoy is also played by a different actor this time. He’s much meaner, plus the film is much darker and more horror than camp.

In an opening scene right out of Shaft or Baretta, our so fricking hot hero Nick gets arrested. Next thing you know, Nick’s on a truck with another gang of delinquents being carted off to do renovations on a home for troubled youth (it’s always important to give back to your community).

Naturally, the truck breaks down in the dark. The escorts and the criminals have to traipse through the woods—at which point, one dude quotes The Wizard of Oz! Or did they say “Lions and tigers and bears, oh my” in The Wiz as well? Can’t remember.

killjoy 2 clown

Things get complicated. One of their group is shot by a racist piece of white trash in the woods, they meet a black woman who suggests that black magic could save their friend, and a skinny chick from their group knows the whole story of Killjoy. Easy recap of the first film! Nick seduces this sweet girl to get her to use black magic to save their wounded friend. After Nick dicks her over (literally), she storms off…and into an outhouse.

This is some Tim Curry It shit here. Our sweet spellcaster gets a taste of her own medicine as Killjoy 2 appears, torments her outside the outhouse by peeking through the holes in the wall, then removes his teeth and sends them into one of the holes to…(see the spoiler alert above about the end of the first film).

Cool thing about Killjoy 2 is, NO ONE you expect to live does, and Killjoy 2 is seriously violent even though he’s cackling throughout. But he does pause long enough to make a “bed bath and beyond the grave” quip. Funny, at the office of Bed, Bath & Beyond where I used to work, there were posters on the walls for every movie that so much as mentions the company’s name. Never had a Killjoy poster. Perhaps the film’s title is too revealing as it pretty much describes the company’s stance on morale…

KILLJOY 3 (2010)

killjoy-3

Killjoy is back and badder than ever—with his biggest budget yet and a whole lot of white people to kill off for a change! Some dude goes to a witchdoctor to summon Killjoy as part of a revenge plot. Killjoy 3 is pissed he has been summoned, but he needs a posse to take care of business. It’s clowns gone wild! There’s a hobo clown, an Asian clown mime with a freaky baby attached to himself, and a female club kid slut clown.

killjoy 3 clown

Killjoy 3 has totally turned his back on his ghetto roots. Some white chick who is house sitting has some friends over for a party—with just one token cracker-loving black dude—and they watch one of the Puppet Master films (nice self-referential product placement, Full Moon Pictures). Killjoy 3 is one mean SOB and there are some gnarly deaths in this one. And just as in the first film, once Killjoy 3 drags you into his world and kills you, you die in the real world.

Killjoy 3 pretty much ignores the second film and is more of a direct sequel to the first film. I believe this is my favorite in the series (other than the fact that hottie Nick gets shirtless in the second film).

KILLJOY GOES TO HELL (2012)

killjoy-goes-to-hell

Killjoy is back and movin’ on up to the east side. Or at least, the white side. Way back in 2000, Killjoy started as an all-black slasher series. Now, at movie 4, the cast is predominantly white! That’s not all. This time, Killjoy Goes to Hell. But don’t worry. That doesn’t mean it’s the end of the series. After all, Jason went to hell and came back and went to outer space. Uh-oh. Is Killjoy destined to be the first black clown in space?

An old witch does her hocus pocus and summons Killjoy. Then this hot muscle gladiator daddy stud from hell (literally) comes and takes him down below. See, the devil is putting Killjoy on trial because his ability as an evil demon is being questioned. It’s believed he’s become a softy.

killjoy with gladiator

The slasher angle is completely tossed in this installment. It’s a straight up campy comedy about Killjoy on trial down in hell. Much of the cast of part 3 returns, and the gladiator dude is the bailiff, so there’s something to look at while court is in session. For the straight boys, one of the lawyers is a hot blonde chick.

Highlights in this sequel? One of Killjoy’s clown friends speaks what I’m pretty sure is that jive dialogue from the Frankie Smith classic “Double Dutch Bus.” Like, word for word. Give me a ho if you’ve got your funky bus fare! Also, the final “boss battle” is against what is pretty much one of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space….

But of course, the best part of the sequel?

killjoy-goes-to-hell-ian-roberts

The actor who plays the bailiff is Ian Roberts, a former Rugby player who came out of the closet in the 90s. I can see why Killjoy got the inexplicable urge for a beer enema….

KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988)

killer-klowns-from-outer-space

Killer Klowns from Outer Space is the ultimate 80s clown movie, saturated in Argento green, pink, and blue lighting, loaded with grilled cheese, and featuring actress Suzanne Snyder, who has quite the 80s filmography: roles in Return of the Living Dead 2, Weird Science, The Night Before, Retribution, and Night of the Creeps, PLUS television appearances on shows like Silver Spoons, Amazing Stories, Facts of Life, Family Ties, Gimme a Break… Flawless resume. Oh, and let’s not forget the fricking awesome power pop theme song “Killer Klowns.” The Dickies have reissued to song on CD. Needless to say, you’ll find it in my 80s playlist right beside 80s rarities by the likes of Phoebe Cates and Adrian Zmed. Hot band name, BTW….

Like many campy 80s horror films, Killer Klowns from Outer Space is definitely a throwback to 1950s sci-fi/horror. It’s loads of fun. There’s a circus tent spaceship, alien laser guns, circus music, an ice cream truck, puppet shows, shadow puppets, pie fights, cotton candy cocoons, a Crazy Straw put to gruesome use, a bad ass motorcycle gang, a hot blond cop, a human ventriloquist’s dummy (think Dead Silence) and of course, big gawky demented alien clowns. When they’re not pulling mischievous Gremlins stunts or leaving popcorn droppings (poopcorn?), they’re actually quite frightening. There’s even a fricking giant clown boss battle!

S.I.C.K. (2003)

sick

S.I.C.K. (Serial Insane Clown Killer—nah, not as clever as C.H.U.D.) is one of those do-it-yourself movies. You know, coupla guys hanging out, unofficially imagining making a horror movie, and then one of them says, “HEY! My folks have an isolated summerhouse! We should make a film there!”

At least, that’s what it feels like. For starters, the male star is also the scriptwriter. He’s also kinda cute. So naturally, he gets to sleep with most of the chicks in the film (which is fine with me, since he takes his shirt off several times as a result). Next, the film is clearly a horror fan creation. Can you identify this classic horror killer’s opening murder? First person view through a clown mask, preying on a woman, with the breathing of the killer very audible. If you said Michael Myers, well, you don’t win anything, but you probably feel really proud of your horror film knowledge. Well don’t. That has to be one of the easiest of them all.

After the gory opening kill, we meet our lead guy, who’s planning a trip to his folks’ isolated summerhouse with some friends. He asks a girl in his office to be his date, swearing that if she doesn’t say yes, he’s going to bring gay porn on the trip and start batting for the other team. Sadly, she says yes…

SICK killer

Along with lead guy and his new girl, there’s only ONE other couple! Luckily, they pick up some young chick at a diner on the way. She freaks them out around the campfire when she relates this idea she has for a horror movie about a killer clown. Why am I getting a feeling this is EXACTLY how the writer/star and director came up with the plot for this film?

Before long, friends disappear and everyone else splits up to look for the missing. It turns into The Blair Clown Project as they find mysterious stacks of dolls in the woods instead of sticks.

SICK walk in

Helping to keep this film moving are very entertaining and often funny “flashbacks,” like when Lead Guy’s new girl flashes back to walking in on her ex-boyfriend…with another guy! It also has one sinister killer. S.I.C.K. is a big hulk of a man, and often dances around his victims reciting nursery rhymes in a freakishly gleeful voice. The lead girl has huge scream queen potential, and the film has a couple of fun twists—with flashbacks from earlier in the film to show you just how stupid you are if you didn’t guess them…

100 TEARS (2007)

100-tears

This is really like two separate films—so I guess you could say it’s 50/50 Tears? On the one hand, you have a gritty, gruesome torture porn masterpiece, on the other, you have a really bad no-budget comic farce. It’s virtually two separate films spliced together. The brutal part is so heinous and disturbing you actually NEED the laughable parts to remind you that it’s just a film.

100 tears gore

Clown mask? HA! That’s kids’ stuff! This guy gets into genuine clown costume, makeup and all. The domineering presence portraying the killer is fantastic. He has this matter-of-fact, satisfied reaction to his slaughtering. Gore hounds will absolutely love his first slaughter in a home for the mentally disturbed—where he wields the biggest fricking cleaver/axe thing I’ve ever seen. It is grisly and real, with a fantastically stark set, unbelievable gore effects, and no high-production value whatsoever to mar the perfection. The bottom line is, even if you think any other aspect of this film sux, it is SO worth watching for the unrelenting brutality. The only time the tone of the killings is spoiled is near the end, when the slaughter is orchestrated by an extremely hardcore techno track.

100 tears chase

Aside from the gore, you don’t want to miss classic moments, like a crabby old janitor saying, “You crazy clown bastard! I just mopped these floors!” And lest I forget to mention it…the chase scene involving a very attractive Latin little person.

AMUSEMENT (2008)

amusement

Just like every other anthology film, Amusement has that ONE single segment that you’ll never forget. And wouldn’t you know, it involves a clown! The segment could easily stand on its own so it wouldn’t be bogged down by the weaker stories—not to mention the Saw-like tie-in chapter.

Holy CRAP is the clown segment fricking freaky! This hot blonde chick goes to babysit her little relatives at their new home. She walks into the guest room where she’ll be sleeping—and finds it is lined with nightmare-inducing clown dolls. Most disturbing is the life-sized clown doll sitting in a rocking chair. Okay, let me say right off the bat, as much as this chick looks with distrust and fear at this big clown doll, WHY the frick doesn’t she just sleep on the COUCH??? If it were me, that guest room door would be boarded up zombie siege style, wood planks, nails and all, and I’d be crashing in the living room watching a Golden Girls marathon all night.

Amusement clown

On top of the edge-of-your-seat suspense, the clown story features a phone call that practically rivals the one Carol Kane answered in When a Stranger Calls. There also appear to be some homages to Halloween and Poltergeist. When a film is derivative of that trio of greats, chances are it’s going to be good.

DRIVE THRU

drive-thru

Drive Thru stars the adorable Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl, who I know more as the female singer on the Cobra Starship hit “Good Girls Go Bad.” She sings here, too! Meester has a growing number of scream queen titles under her belt as well, including the box office hit The Roommate and lesser-known films like the horror comedy Killer Movie, the TV movie The Haunting of Sorority Row, and a suspense film called Inside. Chances are you can catch a majority of these unknown films on cable if you flick around long enough.

Drive Thru features Horny the Clown, mascot of a popular fast food restaurant called Hella Burger, so you pretty much know what to expect going into this one. Our killer Horny don’t play that! He’s awesome–goofy yet freaky like the clowns in Killer Klowns from Outer Space (see above). Horny’s clown mask is modeled after the fast food drive thru intercom, so his mouth looks like a speaker you’d talk into to place your order. It’s all cheeseburgery fun plus some pretty good gore. The actors and director don’t bother to take themselves seriously, which really works. Plus, there are some good Styx and AC/DC references for 80s lovers.

drive thru killer

Also, there are extraneous political jabs at Orange County, Republicans, and George Bush. It’s oddly out of place and feels somewhat forced, even if it’s not as excessive as the political satire of David Arquette’s liberal horror film The Tripper. I know both films were released when Bush was still in office, but that’s simply not the kind of  “clown” horror I want to relive again and again!

CLOWNHOUSE (1989)

clownhouse

On its own, this is one hell of a suspenseful and creepy little film and most definitely number one on my clown horror film list. Unfortunately, this totally overlooked clown horror is tainted by a tragic reality. Knowing the back story makes it a troublesome watch.

The director, Victor Salva, who would go on to direct the popular Jeepers Creepers franchise, was convicted of molesting the young actor who stars in this film, as well as filming the acts. Knowing this information, certain scenes in the movie take on an appropriately perverse feel. Within the first ten minutes of the film, the young lead is shirtless, pees himself in bed, takes off his pajama bottoms, and then shows his bare butt with his two older brothers in the room as he steps into white briefs the next morning. It just ain’t right. The other brothers also spend some time in nothing but white briefs, and it is implied that the middle brother walks in on the older brother masturbating. But it’s hard to believe that no one involved in the making of the film objected to the full rear-nudity of the young boy. Blech.

clownhouse kids

The movie is about three brothers, the oldest of whom is played by Sam Rockwell, being left home alone a couple of weeks before Halloween. They live in a huge house in the middle of nowhere. A dummy in a noose hangs from their front tree in preparation for the upcoming holiday. They boys head off to see the local circus that has come to town.

Running only an hour and 20 minutes, Clownhouse is perfectly paced with nonstop suspense and atmosphere. The interactions between the three brothers are very real, from familial bonding to sibling rivalries. And then there are the three escaped lunatics posing as clowns at the circus….

This is a clown nightmare, and virtually one nonstop chase scene from the minute the boys leave the circus. The clowns roam the woods with fog and backlight dancing behind them as they pursue the trio of brothers. The tension is uber-high, with the clowns nearly feet away from the boys at times. It only gets more and more intense when the boys make it home, the lights go out, and the remainder of the film is played out in the dark.

clownhouse chase

I’d go as far as saying that this film is much more frightening than the Jeepers Creepers films. However, you spend quite a bit of the movie wondering: What was this little kid going through while filming this? Is the fear in his eyes real? Is this film a big metaphor for whatever haunts the director’s psyche? Did he wet the bed and get teased by his brothers as a child? Did he have a fear of clowns? Was he molested himself by someone in a clown costume? Yeah. It all makes what could be a simply scary film into one of the most deeply disturbing films you’ll ever watch.

SCARY OR DIE (2012)

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Scary of Die is one of those films that was on the Chiller Network when I just happened to be channel surfing. Originally, I crash landed on the next to last of 5 stories—about a fricking evil clown! I had to watch. And I watched for like 40 minutes and was thinking, “this isn’t an anthology film.” But it is. The clown story just happens to be the longest. And based on that story alone, I bought the DVD.

Totally worth it. Scary or Die should be applauded as an indie film. Most of the segments are quick and get right to the point while delivering some nice macabre tales. The 1st story involves the Mexican border, immigrants, and fricking zombies! A strong way to open the movie with straightforward horror. The 2nd story has a more tragic angle, and concerns a lonely man looking for love. The 3rd story is a unique horror perspective on how a hit man’s morbid job might start affecting his mind. The 5th story is over in the blink of an eye. Seriously, it’s like 5 minutes long and has this melodramatic spoken narrative—but the last 5 seconds are such a great exclamation point of horror imagery on the anthology.

scaryordie clown

And then there’s the 4th story. CLOWNED. Not like any other clown horror story you’ve seen before, this one is freaky, scary, creepy, atmospheric, gory, and bizarrely sad. Most amazingly of all, the lead character, who gets shirtless numerous times to show off his sweet body, is none other than Corbin Blue. Okay. So most horror fans are probably saying, “Isn’t that a chicken, ham, and cheese dish?” No. Corbin Bleu is one of the fricking kids from the High School Musical movies! You would never guess that’s where he came from. Excellent performance and mighty fine new look for him. Mmm mmm.

scary or die corbin

With 5 stories and tight production, Scary or Die seems like the kind of film that would definitely satisfy fans of anthology horror films.

STITCHES (2012)

stitches

If I ever had to watch a double feature of clown movies, it would be Clownhouse and the Irish slasher Stitches, one of my all-time favorite clown horror movies. It begins with a clown fuck and only gets better from there. Combining the eerie clown atmosphere of Clownhouse with over-the-top but nicely paced gore, classic horror comedy camp and killer one-liners, and an awesome cast of teenagers, Stitches never takes a wrong turn.

stitches brain scoop

The story is simple. Stitches is working a party of little brats and something goes horribly wrong. Six years later, the kids are in high school and having another big birthday party—and Stitches comes back from the dead for revenge! The casting of the children to look like their teenage counterparts is flawless, and we get those classic Prom Night flashbacks as we are introduced to each teenager so we know exactly who Stitches is out to get. There’s even a gay character, and amazingly, he doesn’t die first! He dies second. Now that’s progress! And to top it all off, the film makes perfect use of the 80s hit “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” by Cutting Crew. And that’s all I’m going to say about Stitches. Because this is one clown horror you want to be as surprised by as possible.

No more clowning around…

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got in my arsenal of clown horror, other than the freaky clowns I display on my property on Halloween day. If none of it sounds appealing, then I suggested you pay a visit to the blog of Spitzle the Clown. This is probably the creepiest clown-frontation you’ll ever have. Well, Spitzle…and me doing this clown horror video:

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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7 Responses to Everybody hates a clown…

  1. Joshua Skye says:

    Nice list. I have the Killjoy films, but have yet to watch them. Clownhouse is a great flick. And who doesn’t LOVE Killer Klowns from Outer Space? I am going to have to check out 100 Tears and Scary or Die.

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