“BRAINS!” or, zombies that think with their dicks

taint cover

Sure, The Taint is a totally tasteless gore flick, but if you miss the days when Troma movies were more than just fart noises and shit visuals (back in the 80s) and actually stuck to a horror theme while still managing to offend (aka: make you laugh), then you should check out The Taint.

The movie opens with a dream sequence, and I immediately feared I was getting just another piece of modern crap off the Troma conveyor belt. A burnout dude (our hero) has a dream of being chased by a guy wielding a scythe and wearing long johns—which he shits in. I’m beginning to think Lloyd Kaufman only agrees to distribute movies for indie directors if they agree to put a shit scene in their movie.

taint crotch

The burnout’s waking life gets worse—but minus any shit situations, thankfully. When he leaves his house, he immediately encounters a zombie dude holding a rock above his head, which isn’t even the scariest rock he’s sporting. This zombie dude’s cock is sticking out his pants and shooting jizz…just like every other zombie in this film. See, something is turning men into woman-hating zombies that chase chicks down then bash their heads in with rocks.

taint head squish

Ultimately, that is the gist of the movie: nonstop oozing, bloody penis and head crushing. Awesome. The gore comes so fast, is so over-the-top, and is so disgusting that you don’t even have a chance to critique its realism. You just revel in seeing more heads getting pulverized—or shooting dick wads. And despite the film being a trashy horror comedy, the scenes of infected men going all psycho are actually set to genuinely creepy horror movie soundtrack music!

The Taint aims for a 1980s direct-to-video vibe, and aside from the horrible wig on the burnout, it captures the spirit pretty well. Along with the tone and look of the film, the introduction of a “gang” wearing 80s short shorts, headbands, and half shirts, took me right back to the best decade ever. Their leader, who has a special appreciation for his fist and all the tight spots it’s gotten in to, has a fog machine flashback sequence set to a faux 80s hair metal song, in which he works out, flexes his well-oiled muscles, stares seductively at the camera, and wrestles with another guy. Therefore, this one is going on my die, gay guy, die! page.

tant poser

taint wrestling

When an eerie, masked figure comes on the scene, he proves he should have been in a more frightening movie, because here, he badly interrupts the pacing by turning out to be the guy responsible for the outbreak.

taint mask

Unfortunately, his flashback sequence of how it all started—and the grisly, gory reason he wears a mask—is way too long and loses steam fast. Also disruptive—and again feeling like something Kaufman would have required—is a jarring scene near the end of the film of a chick coming to the burnout to tell him she’s pregnant with his baby and that he needs to take it out with a coat hanger. Sigh. Then the scene doesn’t even fully go there, so it comes off as just horribly slapstick and out of place right before the climax.

taint wiener

Speaking of climaxes, things end on a high note, with the burnout taking charge and just running around shooting off, hacking off, and ripping off (with his bare hands) every spurting zombie cock he comes across. Tee-hee. Yes, my final word on The Taint is a big adolescent tee-hee.

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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