Boys, Boobs, and Booze. What could possibly go wrong?

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Bachelor Party Massacre is one of the most likeable, simplistic slashers I’ve ever seen. There is nothing extreme about the film as the exaggerated title suggests. It’s a plain old buddy movie with plenty of goofy laughs, a couple of cheap scares, a hint of blood, and some cute guys and girls.

The film opens with a pretty stripper arriving early to an empty bar. There’s tension, nauseating camera work, spooky glimpses of the killer in a hooded black robe, and a chase scene!

Next, we meet our four party boys. Some party! But don’t worry. A couple of other characters are injected later to up the body count. Josh Breeding, who plays the bachelor’s brother, needs his own sitcom. He is hysterical. I love him. He’s also in Detention as the “hipster thief.” WTF? Josh needs lead roles!

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As for Michael Capes, who plays the bachelor…YUMMY. He has dimples so deep you just want to stick an appendage in them. At one point, he’s shirtless and strapped down on a pool table. Perfect.

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I’m apparently not the only one in love, because someone actually put a “Michael Capes Montage Reel” up on YouTube:

So they go to this abandoned bar and Josh Breeding (great name for a gay porn star) gives them a tour in which he constantly points out creepy halls and scary stairways. Brilliant. Bachelor Party Massacre doesn’t try to be a whodunit. Even a backstory about the crazy man who owns the bar is a dead-in-the-water red herring, because the film wastes no time in showing the killer, who happens to be one of the stars from one of my favorite low-budget zombie movies, Dead Men Walking. Awesome.

Meanwhile, the bride-to-be decides to sneak over to the bar to spy with the girlfriend of the bachelor’s brother, who is also a slice of comedy heaven. She rules! So the guys party, two strippers come along, there’s lap dancing, some boobage, some murders, and obligatory pop culture references—Full House and Will & Grace in this case.

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Whenever you try to poke holes at illogical moments, the movie pokes back. One stripper insists on using the men’s room and you’re thinking, Why didn’t she go to the women’s room? Seconds later, the killer drags her into the women’s room, and we see an “out of service” sign on the door. The killer uses a knife the whole time then suddenly has an axe, and you think, Where the fuck did the killer get an axe? Seconds later, the bachelor faces off against the killer and says, “Where the fuck did you get an axe?”

Eventually, the bachelor and his fiancée show off their comic acting skills as they take on the killer. One line that totally should have been kept in is in the deleted scenes; the bachelor screams at the killer, “Why are you doing this? Did we fuck?” Classic! Another has the bride-to-be bragging to the killer about her fiancé’s big dick. Should’ve been kept in!

The outtakes and alternate scenes take place during the end credits. We get to see our bachelor goofing around on set, on his knees simulating giving another dude a BJ. Nice. But the best “should’ve been outtake” comes during the film. The fiancée knocks down the killer, runs to a phone—and the killer appears behind her! Must’ve been a change in the script, because suddenly we see the killer still on the floor.

When all is said and done, we learn nothing about the killer’s motive other than some babbling about men thinking with their dicks. And that’s motive enough for me! I just love Bachelor Party Massacre. I don’t know how a movie in which not much goes on can be so entertaining, but this is really a great party flick. It’s just funny and fun from beginning to end.

 

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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