Boys battling beasts from beyond

Here are two very different types of indie horror comedies about goofy guys thrust into otherworldly situations. So did they charm the pants off me?

ORCS! (2011)

orcs cover

I have to admit, despite being a horror diehard, I loathe any sci-fi that isn’t Star Wars, so my hubby had to explain to me that it’s Orc with a “c” and it’s not the planet Mork is from. But the good thing about the film Orcs! is that it’s a comedy that speaks to both horror and sci-fi fans. And the three leads appeared in horror comedy Vamp U, which is a plus for me.

The first part of the film plays out like an old school slow burning creature feature with a comic twist. Two park rangers, a lazy veteran and a newbie, investigate some strange occurrences in the woods, and the newbie begins suspecting there’s a Bigfoot on the loose.

orcs scream

Although the pacing is a bit slow at first, stars Maclain Nelson and Adam Johnson are a great comic duo, and as an added bonus, the woman who plays the head ranger is a hoot. The comic moments blend perfectly with the classic “there’s something out in the woods” horror elements so that this doesn’t feel like a parody.

orcs head on stake

When the first Orc attacks – yikes! Things get crazy within minutes, and the Orcs are no slouches. This is some serious movie monster design, not some cheap horror spoof crap makeup job.

orcs orc face

The pace picks up, and main girl Renny Grames steps in to join the guys (she plays a tree hugger type) to take on an army of Orcs!

orcs hiding out

This is also where the movie shifts from the horror feel to a more playful sci-fi action flick straight through the end. This is definitely fun for the whole family (of gays…one of us who likes horror, the other sci-fi).

CHAINSAW MAIDENS FROM HELL (2016)

chainsaw maidens from hell cover

I added this one to my streaming watchlist through gay blinders. This is what I saw when it caught my eye on Amazon Prime:

Blake is captain of the football team and destined for a career in the pro leagues – that is if he passes his chemistry class. But destiny has a way of tackling the toughest of players when demons invade his college and begin to enslave the student body. A divine angel descends to give Blake an invincible suit of super football pads and send him out to battle the forces of evil. Unfortunately, the suit is missing one vital piece – the jock strap. In order to get it back, Blake must descend into the underworld and face the guardians of doom

Somehow, I failed to see that the blurb ends with “known as The Chainsaw Maidens from Hell.” I also failed to notice that the title of the film is called Chainsaw Maidens from Hell. Well, guess what? Instead of a whole lot of scenes of a hunky football player fighting demons for a jockstrap, I got scenes of not just chainsaw maiden demons, but lesbian chainsaw maidens.

chainsaw maidens from hell maidens

Chainsaw Maidens From Hell is one of those low budget, high school performance type indies, with Lloyd Kaufman leading the charge as the football coach. The goofy cute (not hunky) football player lead is soon visited by an angel (horror icon Kane Hodder) who informs him that he’ll be the one fighting the demons with a uniform that will make him invincible once he gets back the jockstrap.

chainsaw maidens from hell demon

So he’s sent down to hell with his geeky tutor, who is a big hit with the lesbian chainsaw maidens. Sigh.

chainsaw maidens from hell leads and hodder

The movie has some moments that will almost make you crack a close-lipped smile on the inside, but the leads are rather shrill and annoying most of the time and the general tone of the film is very amateur.

chainsaw maidens from hell alchemist

On the bright side, despite Kaufman being attached to the film, there’s absolutely no crude Troma sex or shit humor. This is pretty tame stuff. The down side of that is, we never see a football player in a jockstrap, the only reason I watched the film. I don’t even know why I bothered when I can simply do a “football player in jockstrap” Google video search….

chainsaw maidens from hell football cheer

About Daniel

I am the author of the horror anthologies CLOSET MONSTERS: ZOMBIED OUT AND TALES OF GOTHROTICA and HORNY DEVILS, and the horror novels COMBUSTION and NO PLACE FOR LITTLE ONES. I am also the founder of BOYS, BEARS & SCARES, a facebook page for gay male horror fans! Check it out and like it at www.facebook.com/BoysBearsandScares.
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