After The Blair Witch Project bored us for life…I mean, scarred us for life (no I don’t)…back in 1999, the hip hop community of the time came together to give us the story of the urban legend known as “The Black Witch of the Projects” in Da Hip Hop Witch.
Anyway, a bunch of hip hop and pop artists—Ja Rule, Prodigy, Vitamin C, Pras, Vanilla Ice, Eminem, and more—are interviewed about the witch attacks that are supposedly being made on members of the hip hop community. And pretty much all they talk about is how they fucked the witch and now they don’t trust women. However, it is Eminem who, aside from demonstrating the witch’s “horse laugh,” spends all his screen time talking about how she stuck her fingers up his ass.
Maybe I’m giving the movie a little too much credit, but I see a little self-deprecation here; the witch gives rappers an excuse to hate on the very woman they want to bang. Plus it allows them to make it clear that they are terrified of the gayness of stuff going up their asses.
Meanwhile, there’s a young black woman working for a rag sheet. She tries to convince her black female boss that this hip hop witch will make a good story but her boss snubs her. It’s a whole plot about one sista keeping another sista down (I so can’t pull that off).
In another meanwhile, a group of five white kids and their little dog comes from Salem, Massachusetts to New York to prove that a big hip hop music mogul is making up this whole hip hop witch legend as publicity to sell more records.
Of course the movie’s a piece of crap! But at least in this one we get some witch POV, witch grunts, and heavy breathing.
And to be honest, if I’m reading the mess of an ending properly, we also get to see the witch. And she appears to be **SPOILERS** Vanilla Ice! When the final victim is attacked, Vanilla appears in front of the camera and says some shit in a demonic voice before the credits role.
How many fingers am I holding up in you?
So the take away from Da Hip Hop Witch? Every black rapper fucked Vanilla Ice and Vanilla Ice finger fucked Eminem. Awesome.
Something grabs a hold of me tightly,
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly!