Seems no movie is universally loved in horror these days. But when I see some of the more notable crap being ripped apart, I can’t help wonder if the bashers have seen movies like these…and actually liked them.
THE MOORING (2012)
It’s Deliverance with chicks. It also appears to be a comment on modern girls—they can’t function without technology and would have no idea how to fight back against a crazy guy, even if the odds were 8 to 1. All the shit 80s scream queens suffered through was for naught!
A bunch of young girls obsessed with phones and other modern devices is entered into a summer camp de-programming program! Camping out in the woods by the water, they are targeted by some dude on a boat with his “girlfriend.”
“I’ll make ye walk the plank! Arg!”
The whole movie involves the baddies pretty much just throwing girls off a boat to drown them. But the most vile and heinous scene involves them blasting country music to torture the girls. Horrific.
The only female to eventually fight back is the bad guy’s woman. A “shocking” twist finale doesn’t make a movie good.
388 ARLETTA AVENUE (2011)
In this found footage style flick, Nick Stahl (Disturbing Behavior, Carnivale, and Twist—a gay “twist on Dickens) and his wife Mia Kirshner (30 Days of Night: Dark Days, The L Word, and several horror series), are being spied on by cameras set up all over their house. It’s paranormal-less activity.
Nick finds a pretty cool mix CD in his car, loaded with classics, like Shaun Cassidy’s “Da Doo Run Run,” Sheriff’s “When I’m With You,” Maria Maldaur’s “Midnight at the Oasis,” and Peaches & Herb’s “Reunited.” He’s horrified because he didn’t make the CD (but I think I may have…).
His wife disappears, and he spends the rest of the film walking around his house asking if someone’s there and answering mysterious phone calls. He also harasses a guy he used to bully when they were kids, because he’s convinced the guy did something to his wife for revenge.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” THE END.
In the end, there’s a very confusing scene in which someone doesn’t seem to even notice a human head sitting right in the center of a kitchen island. I didn’t even care at that point. I’d checked out already, so maybe I missed a (the only) crucial plot point.
THE THAW (2009)
Val Kilmer is still a real genius, but now his science project is at an Arctic research lab. His team has found a frozen Woolly Mammoth…that is carrying a prehistoric bug parasite (they’re really just bugs). Naturally, someone catches the bug—and Val’s character disappears for a majority of the film.
Meanwhile, Kilmer’s daughter heads up to the site, along with a small class of ecology students. One of the Ashmore scream king twins (Aaron this time, not that you can tell) is on board. Also in the group is a bug-phobic hottie, played by Kyle Schmid (The Covenant, Joy Ride 2, Dead Before Dawn, Being Human). He gets shirtless at first, and then gets crazy when the bugs finally start appearing 50 minutes into the movie.
“If we improved a kiss right now, this movie would be much better.”
The Thaw becomes slightly more entertaining when CGI bugs start busting out of people. Even then, it’s nothing new. The only really good and gory scene is when the group decides to chop off a guy’s arm with a meat cleaver to stop the infection. Unfortunately, they learn it’s not as easy as it looks. Ouch. And naturally, polar bears aren’t immune. Kind of looks like a brown bear now.
Val returns at the end to remind us how far he’s fallen since Real Genius. And his daughter gives us a final voiceover to drive home the ecological message the movie preaches from the start.